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THE JONAH 




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E. Lawrence Dudley 



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The Jonah 



A Farce in Three Acts 



BY 



E. Lawrence Dudley 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1914 






Copyright 1914 by The Penn Pubushing Company 



FEB -4 1914 

0)CI.D 35910 



The Jonah 



CHARACTERS 

John Hildreth .... the victim of circumstances. 

John Hildreth, Jr too much e?igaged. 

Jeremiah Jerkin the /o?iah. 

Augustus Buskin with a warm temper. 

Henry Jarman the family lawyer. 

Hawksley a policeman. 

Mrs. Hildreth who hears too inuch. 

Emily Hildreth a peacemaker. 

Natalie Buskin a pretty girl. 

Arabella McSnatch . . with more money tha7i beauty. 
Miranda Ann . . . the maid — English but emotional. 

Time of Playing. — Two hours. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

A henpecked husband who is in the habit of walking in 
the straight path celebrates too gayly his son's return after a 
three years' absence. The morning after the trouble begins. 
A down-and-out stranger arrives whom he has invited the 
night before to pay him a visit. He tells startling stories 
to the wife. The son is confronted by a girl who supposed 
that she had become engaged to him three years previous. 
The complications that arise are uproariously funny. 



Note. — This play is published for amateur use only. Professionals 
are forbidden to use it in any way without the consent of the author, 
who may be addressed in care of the publishers. 



COSTUMES 

John Hildreth. Act I. In shirt sleeves at entrance, 
and a little untidy in dress. His coat and high hat are on 
hat rack. He is dressed neatly but not fashionably in dark 
cutaway coat and trousers. In Acts 11 and 111 he has tidied 
up. Same costume throughout. 

John Hildreth, Jr. Well dressed young man of means. 
A fashionable, but not loud sack suit and derby hat. Same 
costume throughout. 

Jeremiah Jerkin. Shabbily dressed in worn frock coat 
and high hat, but with a flashy appearance, indicating a 
love of bright colors and jewelry. A frayed pair of loud 
checked trousers. A worn pair of kid gloves. A brightly 
colored handkerchief. Same costume throughout. 

Augustus Buskin. Dark cutaway coat with light trousers, 
neat and gentlemanly in appearance. Gray wig and gray 
Vandyke beard and moustache if desired. High hat and 
gloves. Same costume throughout. 

Henry Jarman. Neat cutaway business suit and high 
hat. Lawyer's bag. A gray moustache and eye-glasses if 
desired. 

Hawksley. Conventional English bobby's costume. 

Mrs. Hildreth. Rather severely dressed in plain black 
silk gown suitable to a prim woman of fifty. Same costume 
throughout. 

Emily Hildreth. Suitable morning costume for young 
girl of about twenty. Same costume throughout. 

Natalie Buskin. In Act 1 suitable traveling dress for 
girl of about twenty. Hat, jacket, gloves and umbrella. In 
Acts II and III the dress may be changed to morning gown 
if desired, or the same costume retained throughout. 

Arabella McSnatch. An unbecoming, ill-fitting street 
dress, which can be exaggerated for the sake of humor. 
Hat and gloves to match. A traveling-bag in Act I. Same 
costume throughout, or a morning gown in Act II, suitable to 
her character, if desired for variety's sake. 

Miranda Ann. Black dress and apron and cap — con- 
ventional maid's dress. In Act II a shawl. Same costume 
throughout. 



PROPERTIES 

Act I. — Pair of goloshes, breakfast set and food, serving- 
tray and dishes, bunch of flowers, vase, work bag with sew- 
ing, letter, satchel, parcels. 

Act II. — Books, money, letter, sewing, engagement ring, 
pipe tray and pipes, satchel. 

Act III. — Pen, ink and paper, letter, engagement ring, 
note- book and pencil, lunch-table with dishes, food, etc. 



SCENE PLOT FOR ALL ACTS 



INTER-IOR. BAC 



EXTERIOR. BACttlNtV 

pow 



/ 



Q 



CHAIR- 



:kin&\ /bayw imN 



COAT-TREt 



^TABLL & CHA»&^ 




Scene. — Living-room of the Hildreth apartment. Well 
furnished. At c. large double door opens into hallway. 
An alcove or bay window at back l. c. Alcove is furnished 
with table and chair, and is cut off by curtains from the rest 
of the room. Doors l. 2, L. 4, r. 2 and r 3. Chairs, 
sofas, etc., as indicated. A coat-tree near door up r. c. 

Acts II and III 
(Showing arrangement of furniture in these Acts.) 




Same Scene. — Furniture arranged down middle of the 
stage. This is done during the play. (See beginning of 
Act I.) 

6 



The Jonah 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The living-room of the Hildreths' apartments. 
It is well fur7iished and comfortable, with evidences of 
taste., but without any sumptiiousness. At back c, a 
large double door opetis into the cotnmon hallway of the 
apartment-house. An alcove iii the form of a large bay- 
window opens at back l. c. , the windows looking out on 
houses across the street. The alcove is furnished with 
window-seat and table, and ca?i be shut off from the room 
by heavy portieres. Doors l. 4 a7id l. 2. Doors R. 3 
and R. 2. The furniture is rather prof use, though not so 
much so as to appear crowded. There are several sofas 
and tables, the latter with ornaments and books Oft them. 
Chairs, etc., as per business. Pictures are hung upon the 
walls. Beside the door at back there is a coat-tree, ivith 
a pair of goloshes hung on two pegs, a man^s jacket, 
turned inside out, hung o?i another peg^ and a high hat 
laid on the floor beside it. At rise of curtain there is a 
table laid out with breakfast t hi Tigs L. c, and places set 
for four. 

(^Enter Miranda Ann by door r. 3, carrying a tray of 
steaming dishes. She is a typical English *• slavey, ^^ a 
little untidy and unkempt, but with bright face a?id mis- 
chievous eyes. She is aivki&ard, and stumbles throughout 
the action. She carries the tray over, and placing it on 
a chair, begins to set the dishes o?i the breakfast table. 
Business of smelling at the food, etc. She suddenly spies 
some dirt on one of the plates, and starts to wipe it 
vigorously with her apron. Enter Emily by door l. 4. 
She is a young girl of about twenty, good-looking and 
well-dressed ; she is carrying a bunch of flowers. She 
crosses over to the breakfast table.') 



8 THE JONAH 

Emily. Good-morning, Miranda. 

Miranda. Good-morning, Miss Emmy. (Emily starts 
to arrange the floivers in a vase on the table.^ Ah, Miss 
Emmy, but they do look beautiful ! 

Emily. They're in honor of my brother. 

Miranda. Yes'm. (Admiringly.^ 'Tain't every one 
wot 'as such a sister. 

Emily (smiling). It isn't every one who has such a 
brother. 

Miranda. No, mum ; Mister Jack's certainly a fine 
young man. 

Emily [after giving the flowers a last few touches). And 
just think ! He has been all around the world since we saw 
him last. He left home three years ago last May. 

Miranda. That was before 1 come to yer. I was in the 
horphanage then. 

Emily {crossing over to c). It seems ages ago, and yet 
he hasn't changed much ; he's the same jolly old Jack, 

Miranda. Ah, mum ! How I envies you a brother's 
love! {With exaggerated gestures.) Oh, the joy of being 
took into 'is manly arms, and clasped onto his palpitatin' 
boosum ! {A little tearfully.) But there ! Me lot is cast 
different ! I was born a orphan ! 

Emily {putting her hajid on Miranda's shoulder). You 
poor little thing ! How lonely you must be ! 

Miranda {smiling brightly). Lor', mum ! I manage to 
scrape along. I've got me beaus ; and that Mr. Hawksley, 
the policeman, gives me good-day whenever I sees 'im. 

Emily {laughing). I really believe you're a flirt. 

Miranda {self-satisfied). We all 'ave ourwirtues, mum. 

Emily {turning away and looking l.). I wonder why 
they don't come? It's long past breakfast time. 

Miranda {looking wise). Ah, now, Miss Emmy, if you 
was to hask me {She pauses.) 

Emily {turning toward Miranda). Why, do you know ? 

Miranda. I don't know as I actually knows — but I 'ave 
my suspicions. 

Emily {curiously). What do you mean? 

Miranda. Well, mum, Hi don't like the looks o' that 
harrangement there. 

{She points to the coat-tree. Emily looks over at it and 

$ miles.) 



THE JONAH 9 

Emily. Poor absent-minded father ! Jack's return has 
upset him. 

{She crosses to the coat-tree and arranges the things prop- 
erly.^ 

Miranda, Yes, mum, so it seems, mum. {Mysteriously.^ 
But that ain't all. The Marster and Mister Jack went out 
* last evenin'. 

Emily {still arranging thi figs'). Yes, I know ; to hunt 
up Jack's luggage. 

yh.\\^.^T>K {jiodding her head sagely). Yes'm. An' they 
'ad a bloomin' 'ard time to find it, too. 

Emily {coming down). How do you know ? 

Miranda. They never come 'ome till almost daylight. 

Emily {severely). Miranda, you've been prying ! 

Miranda {offended). Oh, mum ! '0\v could I 'elp 
a-hearin' ov them? They woke me clean out ov me beauty 
sleep with their carryings on. Some one was a-yellin' at the 
top ov 'is lungs: We won't go home till mornin'. 

Emily [still severely, though a trifle shocked). Probably 
you heard someone else on the street, Miranda. 

{Enter Mrs. Hildreth by door l. 2. She is a severe look- 
ing woman of aboict fifty, though there are traces of 
kindliness ifi her face. She is now in a state of great 
agitation ; her hair is askew, her dress untidy ; there are 
marks of tears on her cheeks. She crosses over rapidly 
to Emily, and takes the girl in her arms. Miranda 
stands back a little, unobserved.) 

Mrs. H. {tearfully). Oh, my poor child ! My poor 
child ! 

Emily {trying to disengage herself ^ Why, mother! 
What is the matter ? 

Mrs. H. It isn't for myself that I care so much as it is 
for you and — and Jack. It's cruel to think of your young 
lives being blighted when the world should be so bright for 
you. {Begins to sob.) 

Emily {soothing her). Come, mother, don't take on so. 
Calm yourself, and tell me what the trouble is. You'll 
make yourself ill if you don't have a care. 

Mrs. H. {despondently). Oh, if I only could ! It — it 
might make him {She masters herself, and goes oti 



10 THE JONAH 

more calmly.') I suppose I am a fool, though ; I wouldn't be 
a woman it 1 weren't. 

Emily {relieved, and tryi?ig to pacify her'). No, mother. 

Mrs. H. Ugh ! The brute ! (^Bitterly.) But he 
wouldn't be a man if he weren't. 

Emily {as before). No, mother. 

Mrs. H. {Iter voice breaking). And the worst of it is 
that I wouldn't be a fool if he weren't a brute. 

(She wipes her eyes with her handkerchief. Emily puts her 

arm about her.) 

Miranda {chuckling). Or wice wersa. 

Mrs. H. I could stand it if I had deserved it — it would 

only be just. But — but {She disengages herself and 

faces Emilv.) Emily, have I ever been a bad mother to 
you ? 

Emily {protestifigly). Oh, mother ! 

Mrs. H. Have 1 ever shirked in my duty toward you 
and Jack ? 

Emily. Never. 

Mrs. H. Have I ever been unkind to you or scolded 
you — either of you ? 

Emily. Well, sometimes you 

Mrs. H. (severely). You probably deserved it. (Mi- 
randa begins to titter audibly. Mrs. H. notices her for 
the first time. To Miranda, severely.) Miranda Ann ! 
What do you mean by prying? How long have you been 
here ? 

Miranda {frightened) Oh, Lor' ! Why — why — mum 
— about — about six months ! 

Mrs. H. Go and bring in the coffee. {To Emily.) 
Though, heaven knows, I can't eat. 

{Sinks into a chair. Emily stands beside her.) 

Miranda {going to door r. 3). This is a nice way to wel- 
come the prodigy son 'ome ! 

{Exit by door R. 3.) 

Emily. You haven't yet told me what the trouble is. 

Mrs. H. {looking up at Emily sadly). You will know 
soon enough, poor child. {There is a noise fro7n door L. 2. 
She straightens up, and her face gro7vs hard.) Sh ! Be 
calm, my dear ! The Juggernaut approaches ! 



THE JONAH II 

{Enter John Hildreth by door l. 2. He is a man of 

about fifty -five, slightly bald, and with the general appear- 
a?ice of a henpecked husband. He is in his shirt-sleeves, 
and his clothes are somewhat untidy, as though he had 
slept i?i them. He stands a little uncertainly o?i the 
threshold, and then comes toward Mrs. H. dejectedly.) 

Hildreth. Here I am, my dear. 

Mrs. H. (eyeifig Iwn severely). So I see; you might at 
least keep your disgrace from the children. Where is your 
coat ? 

Hildreth. I don't know, my dear. I think I've been 
robbed. 

Emily (who has been watching him sympathetically). 
No, father, it's on tlie coat-tree. (Hildreth starts to get 
it.) I'll get it for you. 

[She goes over to coat-tree and takes jacket from it.) 

Hildreth {to Mrs. H.). If you will only let me ex- 
plain, I 

Mrs. H. There is no need of explanation. 

Hildreth. But you don't understand all 

Mrs. H. I understand enough. If there's any more, 
don't tell me. I'm all unnerved as it is. 

(Emily has come dow?i with jacket and now helps him on 

with it.) 

Emily {whispering to him). Don't say anything, father, 
and she'll calm down. 

Hildreth {to Emily, as he struggles into coat). I 
know, but she has wronged me. I'll wager she won't talk 
to Jack as she has to me, and yet the whole thing was his 
fault. I'm no worse than hundreds of others, but she treats 
me as though I was the vilest being on earth. I won't 
stand it. I'm only human, after all. 

Mrs. H. {who has heard the last). Human? Hm ! 
Inhuman ! {To Emily.) My dear, this ought to be a 
lesson to you. Never let a man marry you for your money. 

Hildreth {exasperated). This is too much ! 

Mrs. H. {rising quickly). Isn't it true that I was well 
off when you married me, John Hildreth ? 

Hildreth. Yes, but 

Mrs. H. And weren't you poor? 



12 THE JONAH 
HiLDRETH. Yes 



Mrs. H. Then perhaps you'll tell me I'm wrong. 
Emily. But, mother, you leave out love. 
Mrs. H. Love, my dear, is generally left out — after 
marriage. 

{^Enter Jack Hildreth by door r. 2. He is about twefity- 
twOy good looking, and well dressed. He co?nes down 
toward tiie others.) 

Jack. Good-morning, everybody ! Sorry to have kept 
you all waiting, but one does not always have the luxury 
of a first night at home, you know. 

Mrs. H. (Jo herself). And such a first night ! {She 
crosses over to Jack and puts her head o?i his shoulders.) 
Thank heaven, Jack, 1 still have you. 

Jack {putting his arju around her). Why, mother, 
what's wrong? You look worried. 

Mrs. H. Oh, I am so miserable ! Your father — your 
father 

{She falters y the?i buries her face on his shoulder.) 

Jack. What ! Has he been cruel to you ? {He looks 
at Hildreth, who is standing dejectedly beside Emily.) 
He shall hear from me later if he has. 

{He grins over at Hildreth, andivinks at him ; Hildreth 
returns the grin sheepishly.) 

Mrs. H. (alarmed, raising her head). There must be 
no quarrel. Jack ! 

Jack {ominously). I hope not; but you know what I 
am when 1 lose my temper. {Enter Miranda by door r. 3 
7vith a steaming coffee-pot, which she places ofi the break- 
fast table.) Come, you must eat something to fortify your- 
self. 

{He takes Mrs. H. over to table. ) 

Mrs. H. {tragically, to Jack, aside). He came home 
at a disgraceful hour last night ! 

Jack {properly shocked). Oh, mother! 

{He seats her at l. of table; Jack sits facing audience ; 
Emily sits with her back to audience and Hildreth sits 
to R. of table ; he dishes out the breakfast, Miranda 
passing the plates.) 



THE JONAH 13 

Mrs. H. {to Jack, as she pou7-s the coffee, which y[\- 
RANDA /^i'i'd'j-). I can't imagine how it happened, with you 
along. I am afraid you didn't exert your influence. Jack. 

HiLDRETH. Indeed he did, Mary, I 

Mrs. H. {ignoring Hildreth ; to Jack). Why did you 
let him do it? You told me you were just going to get 
your luggage. 

Jack i^w inking at Hildreth and talking rapidly). So 
we were ; but you see, when we got to the station 

Hildreth {aside). Station-house ! 

Jack. We found the baggage-room place closed. And, 
as I was very tired, I — I 

Mrs. H. {quickly). You left him? Oh, Jack, I shall 
have to blame you a little too. 

Jack [flustered). Blame me? Why — why 

Mrs. H. Of course; if you had only stayed with him it 
would never have occurred. 

Jack. But mother, I 

Mrs. H. {obstinately). That explains everything. I 
couldn't understand it before, but now the thing is only too 
clear to me. 

Hildreth {exasperated). My dear, I 

Jack {hurriedly). Oh, yes — yes. It was very wrong of 
me to have left him ; but you see I didn't know what was 
going to happen. 

(Hildreth looks at Jack, astounded.) 

Mrs. H. The force of your example might have kept 
him on the straight path. You must have left him very 
early. 

Jack. Oh, very early. About two — ten o'clock, I think. 

Mrs. H. 1 thought so, from the state he was in. {Con- 
fidentially.) He did not get in until after two ! 

(^During this they have been eati?tg. Emily has spoken now 
aftd then to Hildreth. The latter has swalloived a fe7u 
i7iouthfuls gingerly, and then has pushed his chair back, 
and sits quartering at the table, dejected and mour7iful.) 

Emily. You're not eating anything, father. 
Hildreth. No, I — I've got one of my old bilious attacks 
again. 

{He rises and crossing over to chair r. buries himself in the 

newspaper. ) 



14 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. {in lotv to?ies, to Jack). Did you hear that, 
the monster ! And I used to believe him when he said 
they were hereditary. I understand now why they are so 
chronic. 

(Miranda, who has heard the last, chokes with laughter, 
and drops a plate. She looks frightened.^ 

Emily (rising). How careless you are, Miranda ! 

(She picks up several pieces, and then, during the following 
scene, goes over to alcove, produces work, and sits near 
window sewi?ig.) 

Mrs. H. (Jo Miranda). There's ten cents docked 
from your wages. 

Miranda (Jo herself, as she picks up the pieces'). It's 
worth it. 1 never did see anythink arf so funny in all my 
born days. 

(She titters convulsively as she goes out by door R. 3, carry- 
ing the broken bits.) 

Mrs. H. (to Jack). We must get you married soon, 
Jack, so that Emily and I will have a haven to fly to in such 
times as these. 

Jack (flustered^. Why, mother, that's just what I 

Mrs. H. (smiling as she lays her hand on his arm). I 
didn't tell you about it last night, dear, because I wanted to 
give you a pleasant surprise. Arabella is coming to-day. 

Jack (completely startled). Arabella ! 

Mrs. H. Yes ; as soon as I heard when you expected to 
arrive I invited her to stay with us. 

Jack. To stay with us ! 

Mrs. H. I knew you would be dying to see her. I 
doubt if you'll recognize her, though. She has grown 
wonderfully since you two plighted your love. 

Jack (desperately). But, really, I 

Mrs. H. You're afraid she has forgotten you ? Jack, 
she is devotion itself. Your cheeks would burn if I told 
you half the nice things she says about you. (She smiles at 
him.) How you fought against being engaged to her! 
And I told you that you were only a boy and didn't know 
your mind. It was just before you went away. Do you 
remember ? 



THE JONAH 15 

Jack Qiis head bent^. Yes. 

Mrs. H. But now I'm sure you realize that I did what 
was best. You were too young then to understand — you 
thought girls were an awful bore. {She pauses. Jack 
starts to speak.') It was her sainted mother's wish that you 
two should marry. Thank heaven I shall be able to carry 
out her dying request. {She rises fro7n the table.) 

Jack {desperately). But, supposing — supposing I find I 
don't — care for her ? 

Mrs. H. {tapping hi?n playfully on the ami). We'll put 
suppositions in the closet — where they belong. i^She looks 
over at Hildreth, and then goes on to Jack, a little 
Brokenly.) If you should go back on me now — after what 
has occurred this morning I — I think you'd break my heart. 

{She goes out by door l. 2. Jack gets 7ip and crosses over 

to Hildreth.) 

Jack {to Hildreth). Well, this is a nice mess. 

Hildreth {putting down newspaper ; stillenly). I don't 
think you need to complain. If 1 were as finished a liar as 
you are I'd be jubilant. 

Jack. But you don't know the fix I'm in. 

Hildreth. I know the fix I'm in, and I know who got 
me in it, too. The trouble last night was all your fault, and 
yet you let me fight it out alone this morning. I wouldn't 
have believed it of you, Jack. 

Jack {i7?ipatiently). But that's all over now, and 

Hildreth {mournfully). Don't you beheve it. She'll 
hold it against me to my dying day. 

Jack. Well, you ought to be pretty well used to it by 
then. But here I am in an awful scrape. I suppose you 
know that Arabella is coming to-day. 

Hildreth. Yes. 

Jack. Mother evidently expects to marry me to her at 
once. 

Hildreth {laughing). And you're afraid — after this 
morning? My boy, I sympathize with you — in your com- 
ing bliss. 

Jack. You choose a poor time for joking. 

Hildreth. That's what I thought a while ago when you 
were laughing at me. I foresee that marriage will have a 
good effect on you. I shall do all in my power to further 
the match. 



l6 THE JONAH 

Jack. You will do nothing of the kind, father. I haven't 
the slightest intention of marrying Arabella. 

HiLDRETH {jnore soberly). But, Jack, your promise to 
her ! You're engaged to her. 

Jack. Engaged to her? Do you call that patched up 
affair three years ago an engagement? If I had once im- 
agined that mother meant it seriously, I should never have 
allowed it to go on. I thought it was only done to please 
Arabella's mother, and that when she died it would be all 
off. ( There is a knock 07i door at back. During the fol- 
lowing Miranda enters by door r. 3, opejis door at back 
and comes down with letter.) Why, it's preposterous ! I 
don't love her, and I don't think I ever possibly could. 

HiLDRETH {laugliing). We were talking of marriage — 
not love. 

Jack. But that's not all. I might manage to scrape 
along in her company fairly comfortably, perhaps, if it 
weren't that 

(Miranda has now come down to them and holds the letter 

out to Jack. ) 

Miranda {to Jack). A letter for you, sir. 

{She hands letter to hi7n, and during the following^ clears 
away the breakfast things and goes out by door R. 3.) 

Jack {looking at address on letter). H'm ! The begin- 
ning of the end ! {He ope 71s letter feverishly, a7id ru?is 
through it hurriedly.) Well, it's all up now. 

HiLDRETH. What's all up? 

Jack {draiving up chair beside his father and seating 
Imnself). I might as well make a clean breast of it at once. 
I shall have to do so sooner or later. {He pauses.) Father, 
when I was in Bombay about a year ago I met an English- 
man, a Mr. Buskin, who was traveling in India witii his 
daughter. They were stopping at my hotel, and seeing that 
I was lonely, I suppose, they invited me to share their table 
at meals. We were soon inseparable. Whenever they 
visited any place of interest I was asked to accompany 
them ; and I always included them in all of my jaunts. I 
soon discovered that the route of travel which they had 
mai)ped out was the one I had decided on taking. So when 
their stay in India came to an end, I booked a passage on 



THE JONAH 17 

the same steamer. In short, I journeyed with them through 
Japan, and in fact, they came to this country, to Springfield, 
where they have relatives. {He looks up at Hildreth with 
a half smile. ~) I suppose you foresee the natural result. 

Hildreth. You fell in love ? 

Jack. Yes — and worse. 

Hildreth {starting). You — you became engaged ? 

Jack {smiling). Yes — and worse. 

Hildreth {^jumping frofu his chair). You don't mean 
to say that — that you're married ! 

Jack {rising). No ; not as good as that. But I made 
Natalie promise to visit us when they came to America. It 
was the only proper thing to do, and I naturally wanted 
you all to meet her. Heaven knows, I never dreamed of 
this complication ! 

Hildreth. Then she's coming here — this Natalie? 

Jack. Yes. {Shows letter.) She writes me that she 
will arrive here this morning. Mr. Buskin is coming on an 
earlier train, and I am to meet her and bring her here. 
{Looks at his watch.) Her train is due at ten-twenty — in 
half an hour ! 

Hildreth. And Arabella ! 

Jack. What on earth are we going to do? I can't tell 
mother about it — she'd disown me. It seems that her fond- 
est hope lies in my marrying Arabella. 

Hildreth. Yes, and she's pretty much wrought up 
about last night, too. It would never be safe to tell her 
now. 

Jack. If I could only stave it off for a few days. She'd 
see things in a calmer light then, and 

Hildreth {who has 7ioticed Emily /;/ alcove^. Can't 
you pass this Miss — Miss Buskin off as a friend of Emily's? 

Jack. The very thing ! {To Emily.) Emily ! 

Emily {coming doivnfrom alcove y bringing her work with 
her). Yes, Jack? 

Jack. Emily, will you do a favor for me? 

Emily. I'll try to. What is it? 

Jack. There's a young girl coming to stay here — Miss 
Natalie Buskin. She's a friend of mine, but for the present 
I don't wish it to be known — that is, I don't want mother to 
know 

Hildreth {amused). He means he doesn't want his 
mother to know that she is a friend of his. 



l8 THE JONAH 

Jack. That's it, exactly. And so I want you to be her 
friend. 

Emily. Why, Jack, of course. Your friends would al- 
ways be my friends, 1 hope. 

Jack. But you don't quite understand. I want Nat — 
Miss Buskin — to be primarily your friend — your friend alone. 
Your school chum will do. Of course, 1 may find it neces- 
sary to discover later on that I have met her somewhere, 
but just as a casual acquaintance, or something of that sort. 

Emily. Oh, 1 see. 

Jack. Then you'll doit? 

Emily. Why, certainly. Jack. (^Roguishly.') Oh, you 
sly boy ! What will poor Arabella do now? 

Jack {sviilhig). Sh ! And now I'd better be off, or I'll 
miss her at the station. 

(^Goes to back, takes hat and stick from coat-tree.') 

Emily {calling after hini). Good luck to you ! 

(Jack waves his ha?id a?id goes out by door at back.) 

HiLDRETH. Poor Jack ! I'm afraid there's trouble ahead 
for him. His mother will have something to say about 
this. 

Emily. Oh, pooh, father. She'll do whatever he wants 
her to. He's her darling. 

HiLDRETH. So was I — oucc. And look at the way she 
treats me now. 

Emily. You have hurt her pride, that's all. (^Moves 
over toiuard door l. 2.) A little comforting will coax her 
out of it. 

HiLDRETH. Are you going to her now ? 

Emily. Yes. 

HiLDRETH {despondently). Well, comfort her all you 
can, then. She'll need a lot of it to last her through to-day. 

(^Exit Emily by door l. 2. Hildreth seats himself in chair 
at R., and with a heavy sigh picks up his newspaper. 
There is a knock at door back. He looks aroiind at it, 
but as Miranda enters by door r. 3, he retnrjis to Jiis 
paper. Miranda crosses over to door at back and ad- 
mits Jeremiah Jerkin. He is a man of about fifty, 
shabbily dressed, but with afiasby appearance indicating 
a love of bright colors, jewelry, etc. A rather battered 



THE JONAH 19 

high hat is cocked over one ear ; he is wearifig a pair of 
worn out kid gloves. His 7na?i?ier is airy and dandified 
throughout. Hildreth, during the following^ peers 
around at iiiiti from the chair.') 

Jerkin. My good child, is this the domicile of Mr. John 
Hiidreth ? 

Miranda {puzzled). Dummysill? Wotchermean? 

Jerkins. Some call it home. 

MiKANDA. Oh, yer wants to know if 'e lives 'ere? 

Jerkin. That's it exactly. 

Miranda. Well, 'e does. 

Jerkin {coming down). Will you do me the favor of in- 
forming him that Mr. Jeremiah Jerkin has arrived as per 
agreement. 

i^He places his hat on table at left and begins to take off his 

gloves.) 

Hildreth (rising). Do you wish to see me ? 

(Miranda goes out by door r. 3.) 

Jerkin {turning to Hildreth with outstretched ha^ids). 
Ah, my dear good friend ! {He shakes both of Hildreth's 
hands.) What a charming apartment you have ! 

Hildreth. It is rather cozy, isn't it ? {Motiofis to 
chair.) Won't you be seated? 

Jerkin. Thanks. {Produces handkerchief and flicks 
seat of chair.) No aspersions on your housekeeping, my 
dear sir, I assure you. But one can't be too careful these 
days. There have been so many kinds of microbes recently 
discovered, you know. {Seats Jmnself.) 

Hildreth {seating himself beside table on left). What 
can 1 do for you ? 

Jerkin {leaning back co7nfortably). Nothing just at 
present, thank you. I am very comfortable. 

Hildreth {puzzled). But you told the maid that you 
wanted to see me. 

Jerkin. Ah, no ! That was a misapprehension on her 
part. I told her to inform you that 1 had arrived — nothing 
more. 

Hildreth. But . 

Jerkin {deprecatingly). Don't for an instant suppose 
that I didn't want to see you, I beg of you — your company 



20 THE JONAH 

affords me the greatest pleasure. I si in ply didn't wish to 
disturb you, if you were otherwise occupied. 

HiLDKETH {impatiently). Will you kindly tell me, 
then 

Jerkin. You are wondering where my luggage is. How 
stupid of me not to have told you ! It is coming this after- 
noon. One niust always move in style, you know. 

HiLDRETH. Move in style ! 

Jerkin. And though it may be lacking in quantity, you 
may rest assured that it is not wanting in quality. 

HiLDRETH. What do you mean by all this ? 

Jerkin {surprised'). What do 1 mean ? 

HiLDRETH. Yes; what do you want here, anyway? 

Jerkin {offended). This isn't the way 1 expected to be 
treated. 

HiLDRETH. My good fellow, I don't wish to offend you. 
But you must admit 

Jerkin {rising). No ; I see it all now. You were sim- 
ply playing a joke on me — a vile, practical joke, when you 
invited me last night to 

HiLDRETH {getting up, startled). Last night ? Wait a 
moment, and — and sit down again — do, please. 

Jerkin {taking his hat). You do not wish me here; I 
am a gentleman — 1 go. 

HiLDRETH {pushing ]'E.KK.i'i>i i7ito chair). No, no ; there's 
some mistake — i beg your pardon. 1 — 1 met you last night, 
then ? 

Jerkin {rubbing his chest ruefully). Yes; or rather, 
strictly speaking, your head did — and with some force, too. 

HiLDRETH. I'm afraid I was not quite myself 

Jerkin. Indeed you were not. 

HiLDRETH. But if there was any damage done, of course 
I am ready to make full i)ayment. 

Jf.rkin. Then the invitation still holds good ? 

HiLDRETH. Why — er — yes, 1 suppose so. 1 asked you 
to visit me? 

Jerkin {reprovingly). To stop with you were the words 
you used. 

HiLDRETH. To stop with me? 

Jerkin. How soon are favors forgot ! Barely ten hours 
ago. 

HiLDRETH {puzzled). Ten hours ago ! 

Jerkin {continuing). You promised me solemnly to take 



THE JONAH 21 

me in. (^Rises.') And now I am met with revil- 

ings and contempt. 1 will return to my poor garret, crushed 
and broken at man's infamy and deceit. Eleven chil- 
dren 

HiLDRETH {rising ; aside). The customary children ! 
{^To Jerkin, as he puts his hand in his trouser pocket.') 
If that's all, how much do you want — in reason, of course ? 

Jerkin {deeply offended). And now I'm offered gold 

HiLDRETH. I can't go above silver, my good man ! 

Jerkin {continuing). Paltry gold. {Waves his hand 
sorrowfully at Hildreth.) 1 didn't think that even you 
could stoop from injury to insult. 

Hildreth. But don't you see how impossible it would 
be for me to keep you here ? And then, your eleven chil- 
dren, you know 

Jerkin {taking handkerchief from pocket, and speaking 
brokenly). Ah, don't speak of them, I beg of you ! 

Hildreth. Why, what's the matter now ? 

Jerkin. Didn't 1 tell you? They're all dead — died in 
infancy, the poor dears ! {Smiles wanly at Hildreth.) 
I am the last of my race. 

Hildreth. I — I am very sorry for you. 

Jerkin. Those are the first kind words you have spoken. 
I — I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For the rest, 
1 forgive you. And so, my dear sir, I take my leave. 

{He turns toward door at back.) 

Hildreth. You are sure you won't take something to 
tide you over ? 

Jerkin {turning back). From you, sir, no; I couldn't. 
I was invited to make your house my home. You have 
turned me out into the cold. I go to those who will hear 
my tale and believe it. From them I may accept a recom- 
pense for my information. But your money I cannot take 
— the touch of it would scorch my hand. {He starts out.) 

Hildreth {thoroughly startled). Wait — wait — where 
are you going ? Whom are you going to see? 

Jerkin. The police, Mr. Hildreth 

Hildreth. The police ! Great heavens ! But — but 
I've committed no crime. 

Jerkin. You remember nothing about last night, then ? 

Hildreth {shaking his head). Nothing. 

Jerkin. You are sure you remember nothing ? 



22 THE JONAH 

HiLDRETH. Very sure. 

Jerkin (^noddhig his head). But the police do. They 
are wondering who smashed a certain plate glass window. 

HiLDRETH {Jiorrijied). Did I {Aside.) Great 

Scoit, this man will ruin me ! 

Jerkin. And who committed a murderous assault on an 
old apple- woman. 

HiLDRETH. Oh, this is awful ! 

Jerkin. So the bystanders thought. {Starts again 
toward door.) But I mustn't keep you. 

HiLDRETH {run7ii?ig wildly after Jerkin). Stop a mo- 
ment ! I have just remembered. (Jerkin turfis back.) 
We can put you up nicely — no trouble at all, I assure you — 
the pleasure is all ours. But — but there's a condition, you 
understand. 

Jerkin Qnollified, as he comes down). You wish me to 
say nothing about last night ? 

HiLDRETH. Exactly. Not a word — to any one. 

Jerkin {warmly). My dear sir, you can rely on me 
implicitly. Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. 

HiLDRETH. And above all, don't breathe a syllable about 

it to (Mrs. H. enters by door L. 2. Hildreth sees 

her.) Great Scott ! My wife ! 

Mrs. H. {to Hildreth). Oh, there you are ! {Crosses 
over.) I wondered where you had gone. {Sees Jerkin.) 
And who is this — person ? 

Hildreth. Oh, er — my dear, this is Mr. — Mr. 

Jerkin. Jeremiah Jerkin, madam, very much at your 
service. 

Mks. H. Oh ! And what do you wish here? 

Hildreth. Well, you see, the fact is 

Jerkin. That Mr. Hildreth and I are old friends — very 
old friends, aren't we, Hildy? 

Hildreth. Yes, yes ; he dropped in quite suddenly this 
morning — didn't you, Jerky ? And I of course asked him to 
stay with us while he was in town. 

Mrs. H. {giving Jerkin her hand rather coldly). I am 
very glad to meet you, Mr. — Jerky, did you say ? 

Jerkin. Jerkin, my dear madam. The other is Hildy's 
pet name for me — we are such old friends, you know. 

Mrs. H. Oh, I see. But about putting you up now. 
We are expecting a young lady this morning, and 1 don't 
see very well 



THE JONAH 23 

Jerkin {^scowling at Hildreth). I was told that there 
was rooQi for me. 

Hildreth {hurriedly to Jerkin). Oh, there is — there 
must be ! {To Mrs. H.) We will just have to make 
room, my dear. I could not think of letting him go. 

Mrs. Yi. {thinking). Well, perhaps Emily wouldn't mind 
taking Miranda Ann in with her. 

Hildreth. The very thing ! I'll go and tell Miranda 
this instant. {Starts toward door r. 3.) But 1 forgot. 
Mary, you mustn't — needn't stay with Jerry, you know. 
He can take care of himself. 

Mrs. H. Don't worry about us. We'll get along 
famously. Just run along and tell Miranda. She'll need 
some time to get the room in shape. [Exit Hildreth by 
door R. 3 with a hopeless gesture.) We might as well sit 
down, Mr. Jerkin, while they are getting your room ready. 
{Looks around.) By the way, where have they put your 
luggage? {She sits.) 

Jerkin [seating himself, after furtively dusting off the 
chair with his handkerchief). Why, you see, the truth is, 
the luggage van of the train I came in was robbed, and all 
but a very little of my belongings were appropriated. What 
was left, however, will arrive this afternoon. 

Mrs. H. Oh, what a shame ! You will be wanting to 
get a new outfit immediately, then. 

Jerkin. Oh, no — no. I — I can't very well. 

Mrs. H. {surprised). You can't ? 

Jerkin. Well, not just at present. My money was 
taken, too. Two hundred dollars — in gold. {Piteously.) 
Oh, the injustice of it — the injustice of it ! 

Mrs. H. You can telegraph for more. 

Jerkin. I — I have, but — my banker is on his holiday, 
and 

Mrs. H. It's a rather curious time of year to take a 
holiday, don't you think? 

Jerkin. Oh, the bankers always take a holiday at this 
time — where I come from. 

Mrs. H. Well, we'll see that you don't starve. And 
that reminds me, you haven't yet told me where you do 
come from. 

Jerkin. Oh, didn't I ? Very remiss of me, indeed. 
My natal place is Springfield. It was there that I first met 
your husband. 



24 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. {interested). In Springfield ? 

Jerkin. We grew up there together. 

Mrs. H. {surprised). Why, he told me he was born in 
Portland. 

Jerkin. And so he was. You misunderstood me; I 
said that he grew up in Springfield. 

Mrs. H. {suspiciously). It's the first I've heard of it. 

Jerkin. He never told you ? 

Mrs. H. Never. 

Jerkin {iiodding his head). Aha! 

Mrs. H. {aside). There's something suspicious about 
this. {To Jerkin.) You don't know how you interest me, 
Mr. Jerkin. Won't you tell me something of John's younger 
days? 

Jerkin {embarrassed). Why, to — to tell the truth I — I 
can't. 

Mrs. H. {again suspicious). You can't ? 

Jerkin. Nu ; the fact is, I — I 

Mrs. H. You're afraid of shocking me? Don't stop for 
that. There's nothing I enjoy better than his little esca- 
pades. Now I suppose that you two led very gay lives in 
Springfield. 

Jerkin {deprecatingly). Youth must have its fling, you 
know. 

Mrs. H. Yes, indeed. {A little bitterly.) He doesn't 
find time hanging heavily on his hands. You don't think 
him much changed, do you ? 

Jerkin. Dear me, no. He's the same old Hildy I 
knew in the past. 

Mrs. H. As reckless as ever? 

Jerkin. As reckless as ever — though of course marriage 
has no doubt sobered him somewhat. 

Mrs. H. {aside). AVhat must he have been before ! 
{To Jerkin.) Then he really was as deliciously wild as he 
has led me to believe? 

Jerkin. He has told you ? 

Mrs. H. Not all, of course. But I've always been 
dying to know all about it — who he went with, and all. 

Jerkin {aside). She's trying to find out about last 
night. 

Mrs. H. I suppose you and he went with a pretty fast 
crowd. 

Jerkin. Oh, yes — theatrical, mostly. Actors and 



THE JONAH 25 

Mrs. H. Actresses? 

Jerkin. I — I think so. 

Mrs. H. {aside). He's trying to shield him ! (Tl? Jer- 
kin.) John always did like the stage. 

Jerkin. He used to adore it. 

Mrs. H. He has often hinted at a reason for it. {Nerves 
herself.') Was she — was she — pretty? 

Jerkin {startled). Why, I — I don't know what you are 
talking about. 

Mrs. H. {smiling). Oh, you've confessed too much to 
back out now. 

Jerkin. But ray dear madam, I 

Mrs. H. {playfully). If you don't tell me all about her 
at once I'll grow really suspicious, you know. 

Jerkin {fencing). Perhaps your husband wouldn't like 
me to. 

Mrs. H. Never fear. She was tall and slender, was she 
not? 

Jerkin. Y-yes. 

Mrs. H. With sparkling brown eyes? 

Jerkin. Yes. 

Mrs. H. And wavy blonde hair? 

Jerkin. Well — she has had both kinds. 

Mrs. H. And a dimple in each cheek? 

Jerkin. I — I think so. 

Mrs. H. The very one ! {She stifles her anger with 
difficulty.) He has described her to me so often I didn't 
think there could be any mistake. {She rises. Aside.) It 
is his ideal of how a woman should look. {Tur?is to 
Jerkin. ) What has happened to her since ? 

Jerkin {rising). Why, er — I don't know. I suppose 
she died. 

Mrs. H. {hopefully). She died then ? 

Jerkin. Yes — of a broken heart. {Aside.) That's 
what they generally do in books. 

Mrs. H. But are you sure ? When did you see her last ? 

Jerkin. Oh, a long time ago — when Hildy left her. 

Mrs. H. And when was that? 

Jerkin. I can't say, exactly. 

Mrs. H. Well, about when? You can surely tell within 
a year or so, Mr. Jerkin. 

Jerkin. I should judge, then, that at the furthest it was 
twenty- five years ago. 



26 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. (imtch excited^. At the furthest, twenty-five 
years ago ? Are you sure of that ? 

Jerkin {zvith convLctio?i). It wasn't before that, at any 
rate. 

Mrs. H. (sifiki/ig iiiio chair and covering her face with 
her hands). Good heavens ! And 1 had been engaged to 
him then for two years. 

Jerkin (^startled). Why, madam, what is the matter? 

Mrs. H. {uncovering her face; angrily). Matter? 
Matter enough ! 

Jerkin, Is there anything I can do for you ? 

Mrs. H. {f'ising). You've done enough for the present, 
thanks. {She begins to pace back and forth, with her hands 
clenched.) Oh, the double-faced monster ! The villain ! 
And I never suspected — 1 never suspected ! 

Jerkin. Perhaps there is some mistake 

Mrs. H. There can't be any. Everything points that 
way — everything ! But things will be different, now that I 
know all. {She faces Jerkin.) Mr. Jerkin, you have been 
of inestimable service to me. I'll not soon forget it. 

{She begins to pace back and forth again.) 

Jerkin {aside). I don't believe she will. I'd better get 
out of this. 

{He reaches furtively for his hat, and begins to edge toward 
the door at back.) 

Mrs. H. {seeing him). Where are you going? 

Jerkin. To — to — ^just to see if my luggage has arrived. 

Mrs. H. {sternly). Your luggage can wait — I'll send a 
man for it. 

Jerkin. And besides, I think perhaps I'd better go to a 
hotel — I'm afraid I'd put you out if I stayed here. You 
expect company, and 

Mrs. H. You are here now. You must stay. You 
and my husband will love to talk over old times together. 

Jerkin. Good Lord ! 

{He starts to come down resignedly. There is a ?ioise be- 
hind door r. 3. He hears it and stops.) 

Mrs. H. {hearing noise). There, he's coming now. 
Jerkin {looking arouiid fearfully). I don't think he'd 
better see me — ^just now. 



THE JONAH 27 

Mrs. H. Perhaps not, for the present. Go into the 
alcove and draw the curtains. I may need you later. 

(Jerkin goes in alcove, carrying his hat and draws curtain^ 
just as HiLDRETH enters by door r. 3.) 

HiLDRETH {coming down; to Mrs. H.), I've fixed it 
all right with Miranda. {Looks around.^ Why, where's 
Jerkin ? 

Mrs. H. Never mind where he is. 

HiLDRETH {suspiciously'). 1 hope you haven't quarreled 
with him. 

Mrs. H. {bitingly). Oh, no, we haven't quarreled. In 
fact, I find him most amiable and — and entertaining. 

HiLDRETH. Entertaining? What has he been teUing 
you ? 

Mrs. H. Such amusing stories — about his life in Spring- 
field. 

HiLDRETH {relieved). Oh, is that all ? I 

Mrs. H. (losing her teinper). Is that all? Isn't it 
enough, John Hildreth? 

HiLDRETH {puzzled). But, my dear 

Mrs. H. Don't " my dear" me. I have heard of your 
infamy now, your double-dealing, your hypocrisy. You 
can't fool me any longer with your endearments. 

HiLDRETH {aside). Jerkin's told her about last night, the 
villain ! 

Mrs. H. I don't wonder that you never wanted me to 
know that you had been brought up in Springfield. 

HiLDRETH. In Springfield ? Why, I was there only once 
in my life. 

Mrs. H. There's no use in lying about it now. Your 
friend, Mr. Jerkin, has told me of your carryings on there. 

HiLDRETH {more surprised). Jerkin? He knows noth- 
ing about it. 

(Jerkin's scared face appears betweefi the alcove curtains.) 

Mrs. H, No, even he doesn't know how bad you really 
are. Like myself, he put down your bilious attacks to a weak 
stomach. 

Hildreth {vindictively). Just wait till I catch him ! 

(Jerkin's /<7r(? is withdrawn; the alcove curtains begin to 

tremble.) 



28 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. In time I might have forgiven yon, but 

now {^Covers her face with her hands.') Oh, that 

woman — that woman ! 

(Jerkin starts to creep from the alcove toward door at hack.) 

HiLDRETH {sharply). What woman ? 

Mrs. H. You can't play the innocent with me any more. 
You know what woman I mean {Suspiciously.) Un- 
less you've had more than one. 

HiLDRETH. I suppose Jerkin told you that, too. 

(Jerkin j-/^/j-.) 

Mrs. H. He knew her well. 

HiLDRETH {angrily). This is too much ! 

{lie pounds table with his fist. Jerkin starts at the noise j 
and disappears rapidly into alcove.) 

Mrs. H. {sarcastically^. I really believe you're jealous 
of him ! Well, you needn't be. She's dead. 

HiLDRETH. Oh, she's dead, is she? 

Mrs. H. She died of a broken heart — after you left her 
— you — you murderer ! 

HiLDRETH {sarcastically). You'll have me hanged next. 
\ Mrs. H. Then you admit it all ? 

HiLDRETH. I admit it's all a lie. 

{Curtains in alcove tremble^ 

Mrs. H. {sorrowfully) I only wish I could believe you ; 
but you have described her to me too often for there to be 
the least doubt. 

HiLDRETH {astounded). What's that? Described her 
to you ? 

Mrs. H. I see now why she was always your ideal of 
how a woman should look. You've been in love with her 
all these years. 

(Jerkin again creeps out of alcove and jnakes furtively 
toward the door at back.) 

HiLDRETH {exasperated). I don't know what you're 
talking about, my dear. 

Mrs. H. {shiveri??g). No more of those endearing terms, 
John Hildreth. They sound almost like epithets now. 



THE JONAH 29 

HiLDRETH. You Seem to have gone completely out of 
your head. 

Mrs. H. What I've been through is enough to make any 
woman go out of her head. 

HiLDRETH {^getting angry). I've had about enough of 
these — these insinuations, Mary. Where's my hat ? 

(Jerkin stops,') 

Mrs. H. {frighteiied). Where are you going ? 

HiLDRETH. If you have no more accusations to bring 
against me — no more falsehoods 

Mrs. H. How can you still act out the lie? 

HiLDRETH {working himself up). I'm going to hunt up 
Jerkin, and 

(Jerkin edges back toward alcove.) 

Mrs. H. {laughing bitterly). Warn him not to tell me 
anything more? 

HiLDRETH {in a passion). And thrash him within an 
inch of his life ! 

(Jerkin slips in alcove just as Hildreth turns up stage 
and goes rapidly to door at back. He snatches his liat 
from the tree, claps it on his head and goes out, slamming 
the door to behiiid him. Mrs. H. sinks into a chair, 
front, exhausted. Jerkin crawls from alcove on hands 
and knees, his high hat on his head, and makes toward 
door at back. He hits against a chair and knocks it 
over. ) 

Mrs. H. {starting up). Heavens ! What's that ? 
Jerkin (stopping). It's only me. 

Mrs. H. {seeijig him). What on earth are you doing 
there ? 

Jerkin. I — I was hunting for my — my hat. 

{He rises disconsolately.) 

Mrs. H. {pointing to his head). You have it on your 
head. 

Jerkin {taking it off ivith simulated surprise). Why, so 
I have ! {Bows to her.) Then I'll bid you good-morning. 

Mrs. H. But you mustn't go, Mr. Jerkin. 

Jerkin. I'm afraid I'll have to. You see, I have an 



30 THE JONAH 

important engagement to meet a man at ten thirty, and 

{Looks at clock.') Bless my soul, 1 must hurry ! 

Mrs. H. {suspiciously). You never told me of that be- 
fore. 

Jerkin. It probably slipped my memory. 

Mrs. H. Well, we'll expect you back for lunch. 

Jerkin {mysteriously). 1 trust 1 shall return. But one 
can never tell in things of this kind. 

Mrs. H. \Vhat do you mean ? 

Jerkin {impressively). It's an affair of honor. 

Mrs. H. {horrified ). A duel? 

Jerkin. To the death ! 

Mrs. H. Then you're surely not going. 

Jerkin. Oh, but I must, really. If I don't I shall be 
proclaimed a coward 

{There is a kfiock on door at back. Jerkin starts.) 

Mrs. H. There's my husband ! I'm positive he'll be 
able to persuade you out of this foolish nonsense. 

Jerkin {frightened). Perhaps that is your husband ! 

Mrs. H. {smili?ig at him). I'm sure it is. 

Jerkin. Then I'll stay. {The knock is repeated. 
Jerkin jum,ps. ) And — and I'm frightfully dirty from my 
journey 

Mrs. H. You would like to wash ? (Miranda enters by 
door R. 3.) Miranda, is Mr. Jerkin's room ready for him? 

Miranda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. H. {to Jerkin). Then I'll show you where it is. 

{Knock is repeated, now furiously.) 

Jerkin {hurrying over to door r. 3). Oh, no ; don't 
bother. 1 can find it easily ! 

{Exit Jerkin by door R. 3.) 

(Miranda has crossed over to door at back, and 7iow admits 
Augustus Buskin. He is a man of about sixty, with 
gray hair, and round face ; he is portly ; his manner is 
frank and folly. He carries hat and gloves.) 

Buskin {to Miranda). Does Mr. Hildreth live here? 
Miranda. Yes, sir. 



THE JONAH 31 

Mrs. H. Mr. Hildreth has just gone out. Is there any- 
thing 1 can do for you ? 

(^Exit Miranda by door R. 3.) 

Buskin (co?ning down with Mrs. H.), My name is 
Buskin. He has doubtless told you about me. 

Mrs. H. Buskin ? No, I don't remember his ever 
mentioning your name. (Aside.') I wonder if this is an- 
other of John's '^ old friends " ? 

Buskin. That's very strange. I thought of course he 
would have spoken to you about us — my daughter and my- 
self, I mean. 

Mrs. H. (suspiciously'). Your daughter? (Bitterly.) 
I don't think he would have been likely to have told me. 

Buskin (^puzzled). But he was to meet her at the station 
this morning. 

Mrs. H. {a light daw?iing on her). That's why he was 
in such a hurry to be off just now ? 

Buskin. Very probably. I came on an earlier train. 

Mrs. H. From Springfield ? 

Buskin. Yes. (Seats himself.) It was very good of 
him to look out for her. 

Mrs. H. {seating herself^ sarcastically^. It was indeed. 
He's given to acts of kindness — of that sort. 

Buskin. I hope you will like her when you meet her. 

Mrs. H. Oh, there's no fear of that 

Buskin. You're very good to say so. 

Mrs. H. For there isn't the slightest possibihty of my 
meeting her. 

Buskin (surprised). But she is coming to stay here. 

Mrs. H. {scandalized). Coming to stay here ? Your 
daughter ? 

Buskin. That's what Mr. Hildreth said. 

Mrs. H. {rising angrily). Oh, the impertinence of it ! 
Unless — unless you've made some mistake — in the address. 

Buskin. This is where John Hildreth lives, is it not ? 

Mrs. H. Yes. 

Buskin. And it's the address he gave me. 

Mrs. H. Did he give it to you, personally ? 

Buskin. Well, no ; but he gave it to Natalie — my 
daughter. 

Mrs. H. (knowingly). Ah, I see ! And you happened 



02 THE JONAH 

to find it out by chance. {Smiles sorrowfully at him.') 
I'm afraid you've been duped. 

Buskin (^puzzled). 1 don't understand you. I didn't 
find it out by chance. My daughter told me. 

Mrs. H. {with co?ivictio?i). Then she has been duped 
too. 

Buskin. But madam 

Mrs. H. In a word, sir, John Hildreth is not to be 
trusted. 

Buskin. Not to be trusted ? 

Mrs. H. With women. 

Buskin. Good heavens ! The boy never struck me in 
that way ! 

Mrs. H. {bitterly'). The *'boy " never struck me in that 
way until this morning. And I — if any one — ought to have 
known. {^She sits.) 

Buskin (^ge/itly, as he seats himself). You are his 
mother, I suppose. 

Mrs. H. His mother? No indeed! Whatever put that 
idea in your head ? I am his wife. 

Buskin {jumping fr 0171 his chair). His wife ! 

Mrs. H. Now you see why he can't be trusted — with 
women. 

Buskin [dazed). His wife ? But no, that's impossible ! 
It's preposterous ! Why — why, he's engaged to be married 
to my daughter ! 

Mrs. H. {jumping from her chair). What? W^hat was 
that you said? Engaged — to your daughter? 

Buskin. Yes — but I think there must be some mistake. 
I — I He does not seem old enough to be your hus- 
band. 

Mrs. H. {insulted). You are insulting me, sir ! Oh, the 
brute — the monster ! 

{She sinks into chair and buries her face in her hands.) 

Buskin. I — I beg pardon ; he doubtless — appears younger 
than he really is. {Aside.) Much younger. He doesn't 
look a day over thirty. 

Mrs. H. {s7niling wanly). Appearances are deceitful, 
Mr. Buskin — as I have found to my cost. 

Buskin {much perturbed). KwA then you see my mis- 
take was very natural. He has so often described you to 
me as his mother that I 



THE JONAH 33 

Mrs. H. {almost crazy'). Oh, this is too much ! You 
don't mean to say that he tried to pass me off as his mother? 
Me, his wife ? The mother of his children 

Buskin {eagerly). Oh, you have children? A son per- 
haps ? 

Mrs. H. Yes. 

Buskin. Then it's just possible that we've been talking 
at cross-purposes. 

Mrs. H. You mean that perhaps my son's the one 
who's engaged to your daughter ? ( With conviction.') No ; 
that's absolutely out of the question. I know it for a fact. 
He has been engaged to another girl for the past three years. 
We were speaking of it only this morning. 

Buskin (convinced). Then it must be true ! (Aside.) 
The rascal ! 

Mrs. H. I'm afraid it is, Mr. Buskin; my husband's 
past record bears it out only too correctly. 

Buskin (still somewhat dazed). You will let me wait 
until your hus — Mr. Hildreth — returns ? 

Mrs. H. (shaking her head). He won't return — for 
some time at least. This would be the last place he'd bring 
your daughter to. 

Buskin (beginning to wake up). By heavens ! That's 
so ! 

Mrs. H. Your daughter is safe as yet 

Buskin (excitedly). But is she? Is she? Supposing 

he should (Starts.) He maybe married to her by 

this time ! 

Mrs. H. (horrified). Oh, if he should be ! Do you 
know where to find her? 

Buskin. They can't have gone far ! (Looks around.) 
AVhere did I leave my hat ? Oh, here it is ! There's not 
a moment to be lost ! 

Mrs. H. No ; hurry ! Hurry ! 

Buskin. I'll put the police on their trail at once. I'll 
run him to earth if it costs me my last penny, the scoundrel ! 

(He rushes to door at back and goes out.) 
Mrs. H. Good heavens ! What next ? 
(She sinks into chair on right, completely prostrated.) 
(Enter Emily by door l. 4.) 



34 ' THE JONAH 

Emily {seeing her mother and running to her'). Why, 
motlier, you look dreadfully ! What's the matter ? Are 
you ill ? 

Mrs. H. {weakly). I almost fainted, I think, dear. 
{Moans.) Oh, I shall remember this day as long as I 
live ! 

Emily. I'll get you some water. 

Mrs. H. If you would, please. {There is a Jznock on 
door at back.) What's that ? 

Emily. Only somebody at the door. {Aside.) It's 
Jack ! 

Mrs. H. {aside, a look of horror on her face). Perhaps 
they've caught him already, and are bringing him here ! 
{Slie totters to her feet.) They mustn't see me ! {To 
Emily.) I'm going to lie down, Emily. 

{Enter Miranda by door r. 3.) 

Emily {to Miranda). Help mother into her room, Mi- 
randa; I'll tend to the door. 

(Miranda helps Mrs. H. over to door l. 2. They go out 
as Emily, who has gone over to door at back, opens it and 
admits Jack and Natalie Buskin. The latter is a 
bright-eyed young girl of twenty, with pretty features and 
vivacious manners ; she is dressed in a trim cloth travel- 
ing suit, and carries an umbrella ; Jack is loaded down 
with her satchel, and numerous parcels.) 

Jack {to Emily). Here she is, Emily, all safe and hearty. 
{To Natalie.) This is my sisler, Natalie. 

Emily {cordially). I'm awfully glad to see you. {She 
kisses Natalie.) Jack has told me about you. 1 feel that 
we must b© friends. 

Natalie. Yes, we must be — or at least we must pretend 
to be. 

Jack {putting doivn the parcels). I explained it all lo 
her, Emily, as we came along. 

Emily. And you don't mind ? It will be for only a day 
or two probably. 

Natalie (laughing). Not at all. It's such fun ! {Looks 
archly at Jack.) But I'm afraid Jack won't be able to act 
it out, now that we're 

Jack {hurriedly). Oh, yes I will, never fear. And I'll 
prove it to you now. (71; Emily.) Where's mother? 



THE JONAH 35 

Emily. I'll go and tell her you've come. 

(^Exit by door l. 2.) 
Jack {to Natalie). Let me help you with your things. 
{He holds her coat as she takes it off. ) 

Natalie. You're a dear ! 

Jack. Do I get my reward ? 

Natalie {holdi?ig out her hand). There's my hand — to 
shake. 

Jack {dis appointed'). Is that all? 

Natalie {laughing). You forget we are only friends. 
{Saucily.) Oh, Jack ! 

{Enter Hildreth, by door back, puffing furiously. He 

conies down. ) 

Hildreth {to Jack). Have you seen Jerkin, Jack ? I've 
been all over town after him. 

Jack. Jerkin ? Who's Jerkin ? 

Hildreth. Why, he's a Jonah — that's who he is — a 
ghastly Jonah. He's a scoundrel I met last night, and he's 
turned up here to ruin me. {Sees Natalie.) Oh, I beg 
pardon! I didn't see you. (ZIs'Jack.) Is it — is it — — 

Jack {smiling). Yes, father, it is. Won't you welcome 
her ? 

Hildreth {cordially). Indeed I will ! (Natalie puts 
out her hand.) No, my dear, not that. I claim a father's 
privilege. 

{He takes her in his arms. The door L. 2 flies open and 
Mrs. H. bursts in, followed by Emily afid Miranda. 
Jerkin enters by door r. 3, again trying to escape, but 
stands watching the ensuifig.) 

Mrs. H. {furiously). Miss Buskin, is it ? Just wait 

until I get my hands on the hussy, and {She sees 

Hii,dreth in the act of kissing Natalie.) Oh, the shame- 
less creatures ! {Shrieks afid falls back into Emily's arms.) 

{Tableau.) 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Satne as Act I. The two sofas have been placed, 
back to back, down the center of the roo7n, ru?ining froin 
the middle of the door at the back, so that the roo?n is 
partially divided into two equal divisions. It is the same 
morning as the preceding act ; the time is aboiit eleveji. 

(Mrs. H. a7id Miranda are discovered. Mrs. H. is pale 
and worried, but there is a determined look on her face. 
She and Miranda are busily engaged sorting the furni- 
ture. At rise of curtain she is standing by the table on 
the left looking over books, etc. Miranda is beside table 
on the right.) 

Miranda. Which table shall we give 'im, mum ? 

Mrs. H. {looki^ig up). Which table? Why, the smaller, 
of course. Or — no — give him the best one. He shall never 
accuse me of being unfair to him. 

Miranda (moving table farther to right). You're too 
good to him, really. 

Mrs. H. (tearfully). I can't help remembering that I 
loved him — once. 

Miranda. Ah, love do cover a multitude of sins ! {Sees 
books on table.) Shall we let 'im 'ave these wolumes, too? 

Mrs. H. What are they ? 

Mikanda {looking at titles'). 'Ere's *' Our Family 
Circle." 

Mrs. H. He can have that ; I haven't any use for it — 
now. 

Miranda. And "The Love Haffairs of Napoleon." 

Mrs. H. {coming over). You'd better let me have that. 
{She takes book from Miranda.) It looks well worn ; he 
has evidently been studying it assiduously. Are there any 
more ? 

Miranda. Only this one: " '0\v to Manage Your 
Wife." 

M R s . H . {taking book from Miranda and looking at it ) . 
Where on earth did that come from? He must have bought 
it on the sly. 

36 



THE JONAH 37 

Miranda. The wickedness ov that man do beat hevery- 
think. Sodom and O'Hara was just foolin' alongside ov it. 

Mrs. H. {severely^. Miranda Ann, you forget that 
you're speaking of my husband. 

Miranda. I beg your parding, mum. But I thought 
as 'o\v as 'e wouldn't be your 'usband before long that 

Mrs. H. He's my husband now; and at present I'm 
the only one who has any legal right to find fault with him. 
{She crosses to left and puts books on table.^ But we must 
get this miserable business finished. How many chairs has 
he over there ? 

Miranda. Two, mum. (^Gleefully. ^ And one o' them's 
pretty rickety. 

Mrs. H. {inoving an armchair over toward righf). We'll 
give him this one then, {Brokenly.') It — it was one of 
our wedding presents. 

Miranda. You're hinsulting yourself by letting 'im 'ave 
it. {She moves chair right.) 

Mrs. H. I — I don't think I ever want to see it again. It 
brings up such happy memories. We've had it for twenty- 
seven years. 

Miranda. It do look rather shabby. 

{She places the chair in pos 111071.) 

Mrs. H. Is there anything more to go over on his side? 
Miranda. Not as I knows ov, mum. 
Mrs. H. Then we'll close up the line. 

{She gets a chair o?i left, and puts it i?i line with the sofas ^ 

facing left.) 

Miranda {getting chair on right, and putting it beside 
other chair, facing right). 'Ave we got enough chairs? 
Mrs. H. I think so. 

{Gets another chair and co7itinues line.) 

Miranda i^ getting anoiJier chair and continuing line). 
Hi suppose there's rules and regilations to be followed, ain't 
there, mum ? 

Mrs. H. [gettifig afiother chair as above). You must 
take care of both sides of the house, so there will be no 
restrictions whatever laid upon your actions. 



38 THE JONAH 

Miranda (^getting chair as above). Will Hi 'ave to serve 
all ov you ? 

Mrs. H. Certainly. 

Miranda {j^esolutely). Then I'll demand double wages. 

{The line of furniture is 7iow finished dow 71 stage, Mrs. H. 
071 one side, Miranda 071 the other.) 

Mrs. H. I will pay you your usual wages. If you 
want any more you will have to get them from Mr. Hildreth. 

Miranda. And Hi will, too — or 'e'll find 'isself wery 
much neglected. {She surveys her work proudly, waves 
her ha7id toivard it.) This 'ere hain't the 'ansomest thing, 
mum, but it'll do on a pinch; wirtue must always be 
pertected. 

Mrs. H. {as she realizes what she has done). It seems 
almost like a dream — like some horrible nightmare — all that 
has happened. But — but 1 think I've done right — 1 think 
I've done right. 

{She sinks into chair 07i left.) 

Miranda. It's just like one ov them romances, mum — 
*' A 'Ouse Diwided," or somethink ov that sort. 

{^E7iter Hildreth by door r. i. He stands for a7i i7ista7it 
looki7ig at the li7ie of furniture i7i amaze7ne7it. The7i he 
comes dow7i to Miranda, without seeing Mrs. H.) 

Hildreth {a7igrily, to Miranda). What's the meaning 
of this, Miranda ? 

(Miranda tur 71s fr 0771 hi77i in disgust ; exit by door r. 3.) 

Mrs. H. {jn7npi7ig fro77i chair, and facing hi77i across 
barrie7-). The meaning is simply this, John Hildreth : 
That henceforth all is over between us, 

Hildreth {surprised). Why, Mary, I — I don't un- 
derstand you. 

Mrs, H, {s7ieering). Your pretended innocence won't 
help matters, I assure you. 

Hir.DRETH. But what have I done to merit this? 

Mrs. H, {lauohing bitterly). What have you done ? 
What haven't you done? 

Hildreth. You're surely not jealous of Miss Buskin ? 



THE JONAH 39 

Mrs. H. Oh, no; I'm not jealous; it's gone beyond 
that. 

HiLDRETH. I know that my kissing her must have 
seemed strange to you, but 

Mrs. H. It didn't seem in the least strange to me. On 
the contrary, it was very much in keeping with your 
character. 

HiLDRETH {a little ruffled). When you hear the ex- 
planation of all this, you may change your mind. 

Mrs. H. I supposed you'd have an explanation — you 
always do. Well, what is it ? 

HiLDRETH {stajtimeriiig). Why — the truth is — that I — 
I can't give it to you — now. 

Mrs. H. {ivith conviction). I thought as much. 

HiLDRETH. But if you will only wait a few days 

Mrs. H. Yes, and give you a chance to make one up. 

HiLDRETH. Mary, you wrong me ! 

Mrs. H. {sarcastically). Of course ! I am entirely to 
blame ! It's all my fault. I should never have found out 
about your past — your backslidings, but should have gone 
on believing in you — trusting in you — loving you, until the 
end of time. {Her tone changes to sternness.) But no, 
John Hildreth, the time for all that is past. For twenty- 
seven years I have been your dupe, your plaything. I shall 
be so no longer. I have enough evidence to convict you as 
you stand. And — as for your explanation — [stiapping her 
fingers at him) I wouldn't give that for it. We'll see how 
much it's worth when you're put on the witness stand — 
under oath. 

HiLDRETH {astounded). What ! 

Mrs. H. I have already communicated with my lawyer. 

HiLDRETH. You intend to 

Mrs. H. I intend to get a divorce from you. You have 
left no other course open to me. 

HiLDRETH. Mary, this is madness ! 

Mrs. H. Call it what you like. I've stood too much at 
your hands already, and I'm not going to stand one thing 
more. From now on we are strangers to each other. 

{Enter Emily by door \\. 3. Site stands listening.) 

HiLDRETH {comprehending, as he points to barrier). 
Then that's what this means? 

Mrs. H. Exactly. Until we are legally separated we 



40 THE JONAH 

shall both have to live here, I suppose — for the sake of ap- 
pearances. I have given you the better side of the apart- 
ment — you have the southern exposure and the kitchen. 

HiLDRETH. Where Miranda entertains her beaux. 

Mrs. H. This room we shall be forced to share in 
common, as the hall door is the only means of getting out; 
but of course all communication between us will be cut off. 
Miranda can carry any messages which you may wish to 
send to me or the children. 

HiLDRETH. The children ? You don't mean to 

Mrs. H. They will live with me, of course. Their 
self-respect has not quite deserted them, I hope. I have 
already told Jack everything ; he was horrified at your 
behavior, and agrees entirely with my plan. 

HiLDRETH. About the divorce ? 

Mrs. H. I haven't spoken to him about that yet, but 
he naturally will. 

HiLDRETH. Well, of all the 

Mrs. H. As for Emily 

Emily {coming down; i?idignantly). She prefers to re- 
main with her father. 

Mrs. H. {astoiuided'^. Emily ! 

Emily {severely). Mother, you are really carrying this 
thing too far. 

Mrs. H. When you understand everything you will not 
say that. 

Emily. It is because I understand everything that I do 
say it. 

Mrs. H. You will risk your good name, and hob-nob 
with that — that hussy? 

Emily {resolutely). I shall stay with father. 

HiLDRETH. Good girl ! 

{^He pats her on the shoulder.) 
Mrs. H. Then what Jack told me is really true 

HiLDRETH. I doubt it. 

Mrs. H. {conti7iuing). And you and this Buskin girl 
have been close friends — school chums — for years ? Well, 
go your own way ; I wash my hands of you. You have 
certainly had a bad enough example set you by your father. 
{^Tiirns toward door L. 2.) There must be something in 
heredity after all. 

{Exit by door l. 2.) 



THE JONAH 41 

Emily. Of all the insanities ! 

HiLDRETH {fiodding sadly). It does look as though she 
had lost her ninid. (^Brightens.) Perhaps that's it ! 

Emily. She seemed all right until this morning, 

HiLDRETH. It comes very suddenly sometimes. This 
divorce business points pretty conclusively toward it. And 
that reminds me, I must write to Jarman at once. I shall 
need legal advice as to what is best to do. 

i^He moves over r.) 

Emily {following him). How are we to explain all tl]is 
to Miss Buskin ? 

HiLDRETH {pausing at door r. i.). By explaining 
nothing. {Chuckles.) That's Jack's business. 

{Exit by door r. i.) 

Emily. Oh, what a mess we seem to be in ! {There is 
a knock 071 door back.) Mercy! Who can that be ? {She 
7noves over to door r. 3. Enter Miranda by door r. 3.) 
Miranda, the entire family are indisposed, and beg to be 
excused. 

Miranda. Yes'm, but it's Miss Arabella, mum. I seed 
'er through the kitchen winder. 

Emily. Good heavens ! Take her to mother, Miranda. 
More trouble ! 

{Exit by door R. 3.) 

(Miranda crosses to door at back a?td opens it, admitting 
Arabella McSnatch. She is a tall, heavily-built girl 
of about twejity. She is homely ; her voice is piercing and 
rather unpleasatit. Her ma?t7iers are affected and maivk- 
ish ; she uses her ha7ids awkwardly and with exagger- 
ated gestures. Her dress is U7ibeco77iing a7id ill-fitii7ig. 
She is carrying a bag.) 

Arabella {co7ning dow7i l.). Has he come yet, sweet 
child? 

Miranda (aside). Sweet child! Sour grapes! {To 
Arabella.) Yes'm ; he arrived last evenin'. 

Arabella. How is he ? Has he been asking about me ? 
I am all impatience. 

Miranda. I hain't 'eard 'im mention you hat all, 
mum 



42 THE JONAH 

Arabella {aside). He hasn't written to me for months. 
Perhaps he — perhaps he's not in love with me any more ! 
(^To Miranda.) Dear boy ! He is saving his sweet noth- 
ings for my ear alone. Ah, Miranda, what a wonderful 
work is man ! 1 adore them all, the lovely things — it's such 
fun to mow 'em down — like this. 

{She gives Miranda a killing glance.) 

Miranda {grimacing aside'). Ouch ! 

Arabella {notici?ig line of furnitiwe for first time). But 
what does this mean ? ( Waves her hand at line.) 

Miranda. It's wirtue on the defensive against offensive 
wice, mum. 

Arabella (enchanted). What? Not a family row? 
(Miranda fiods.) How delicious ! 

Miranda (coldly). There's no accountin' for tastes. 
I'll tell the missus you've come. 

{Exit by door l. 2, carrying hag.) 

(Arabella seats herself in chair for niing line of furniture ^ 
a?id begijis to take off her gloves.) 

Arabella. I wonder if Jack has forgotten me. That 
might be the reason for his silence. I haven't heard a 
word from him for three months. {Revengefully .) If he 
has I'll — I'll pay him back. And even if he hasn't, he 
should be taught a lesson for the way he has treated me. 
(Ponders.) Let me see. What can I do? What — can — 
I — do? {The door L. 4 opens cautiously a?id ]'E.RYi\N ap- 
pears. He starts toward door back. Arabella sees him. 
Aside y delightedly). A man ! 

{She coughs ; Jerkin jumps and stops. She coughs again, 
glancing at him from under her eyelashes.) 

Jerkin {resignedly to himself). Caught again! (Ara- 
bella coughs again. Jerkin turjis to her.) You should 
buy some cough-drops. 

Arabella {coquettishly, as she rises.) You foolish man ! 
I was only trying to catch your attention. 

Jerkin. Ah, um — flattered, I'm sure. Good-morning. 

{Starts toward back.) 
Arabella. You're not going ? 



THE JONAH 43 

Jerkin. I'm sorry, but, you see, I have an engagement 
— to luDch, and 

Arabella. Oh, that's too bad ! 

Jerkin. It's a very good lunch. 

Arabella. I — I meant that — well, I don't often get a 
chance to talk to men — older men, and 

Jerkin {resignedly, aside). I shall never get away from 
here! (Co?nes down.') Of course, if you would like me 
to 

Arabella (eagerly). Oh, would you? It would be 
awfully good of you ! {She sits.) They've left me all alone 
here, and I'm lonely. 

Jerkin {sitting). Anything to oblige. 

Arabella. You are a friend of the family, I suppose ? 

Jerkin. Well — in a way. 

Arabella. Oh, I am so glad ! I know we shall be 
great friends. 

Jerkin. I trust so. You are a relative ? 

Arabella {bashfully). Yes — in a way. 

Jerkin. Related by marriage? 

Arabella {smiling). Well — ^almost. 

Jerkin {aside, tapping his head). Something wrong up 
here. 

Arabella {aside). Perhaps I could make Jack jealous. 
(T^c? Jerkin.) Speaking of marriage, you won't think me 
impertinent if I ask you a personal question ? 

Jerkin. Not a bit. 

Arabella. Well — have you — have you ever been in 
love? 

Jerkin. Yes — often. 

Arabella {delightedly). So have I ! Don't you love it? 

Jerkin. Love what? Being in love? 

Arabella. No ; love love. 

Jerkin {aside). I'll have to humor her. (71? Arabella.) 
Yes, indeed. It's so romantic — so heavenly — so ethereal ! 
{Aside.) And so expensive. 

Arabella {ecstatically). Go on ; go on ! 

Jerkin. But the trouble is that marriage 

Arabella. You are married? 

Jerkin. To my sorrow — yes. Ten children. 

Arabella {sorrowfully). I thought we should be such 
good friends — and, now 

Jerkin {aside). She wants me to make love to her. 



44 THE JONAH 

Well, here goes. {To Arabella.) Ah, yes ! Love is all 
that the poets say. [Leans toward her.) Do you know, I 
think 1 could learn to adore you. 

Arabella (j-//// sorrowfully). Oh, dear ! 

Jerkin {ardently). You may say dearest if you like. 

Arabella {startled). Oh, but — you are married. 

Jerkin. What difference does that make? Though 
married to one, I can still love another. {Sadly.) And, 
unhappy, take my secret sorrow to my grave. 

Arabella {touched). Oh, please don't say that ! You 
make me feel so — so sad. Isn't there anything 1 can do for 
you ? 

Jerkin (aside). An idea ! I may get out of here yet. 
(Z<? Arabella.) Yes; there is one thing you could do. 
{Mournfully.) But of course I couldn't ask it of you. 

Arabella {eagerly). What is it? I'll do anything in 
my power to help you. 

Jerkin. Elope with me. 

Arabella {startled). Elope ! 

Jerkin. Yes. Throw off the vile conventions of society 
which tie us down to those we loathe and despise. Come 
out into the world with me, and we will seek new happiness, 
new pleasures together. {He takes Arabella's hand.) 
Just you and I, wandering through life, hand in hand. 

Arabella [dazed). But when 

Jerkin {quickly). When ? At once. Why put off the 
blessed moment an instant ? {Aside, gleefully.) 1 shall get 
away ! 

Arabella {aside). My chance to teach Jack a lesson. 

Jerkin. You will ? 1 see it in your eyes ! {Passion- 
ately.) Oh, my love — my love ! 

Arabella. Wait a moment, please. I — I don't know. 
You see this — this is so sudden. 

Jerkin. Don't stop to think ! A woman's impulse is 
better than her judgment. 

Arabella. But 1 must think. I am situated somewhat 
as you are 

Jerkin (startled). You — you are married ? {Aside.) 
Dear me, I'm in a mess ! 

Arabella. No, but I'm engaged. 

Jerkin {relieved ). Oh ! 

Arabella. You must know him. He's Jack. 

Jerkin. Oh, is he? 



THE JONAH 45 

Arabella. And I'm Arabella. 

Jerkin {ardently^. Sweet name ! 

Arabella. But Jack has used me abominably — abomi- 
nably; and I — I, too, am unhappy. It would serve him 

right if 1 — if I {^Rises quickly.') Yes, 1 will go with 

you. {Aside.') I'll pretend to elope, just to spite Jack. 

Jerkin. My escape's assured. {To Arabella.) But 
do you — do you think you can love me? 

Arabella {bashfully). Yes. {Looks up at him quickly.) 
And then it will be so romantic, you know ! We shall be 
so dependent on ourselves. For years 1 have longed to be 
a woman of the world. And now 1 have found my chance 

— and — {coming close to him) and you, my — my You 

haven't yet told me what to call you {playfully), you 
naughty creature ! 

Jerkin {aside). She's absolutely crazy. {To Arabella, 
impatiently.) Call me a fool if you like 

Arabella. A — what? 

Jerkin. Um — er — my name is Jerkin. 

Arabella {puzzled). It sounds like a pickle. 

Jerkin. Yes, it often feels like one. 

Arabella. 1 shall call you my Galahad. 

Jerkin {starting toward door back). All right. But 
come ; we must be off at once. 

Arabella. Aren't you going to kiss me ? 

Jerkin {i7npatient to be off). Is that necessary? 

Arabella. Why, of course. We are going to elope, 
you know. 

Jerkin. Oh, yes; certainly. I had forgotten. {He 
takes Arabella in his arms gingerly.) Wait, there's some 
one coming ! {He tries to put her aside.) 

Arabella {clinging to liim). Never mind, dearest. 
{Aside.) Perhaps it's Jack ! {Puts her face tip for a kiss.) 

{Enter Jack by door l. 2. He sees Jerkin disengaging 
himself from Arabella's arjfis.) 

Jack {aside; smiling broadly). Aha! 

Jerkin {aside ; disgusted). Caught again ! 

Arabella {to Jerkin). Oh, what a shame ! We must 
put it off. 

Jerkin (to Arabella). Don't tell a soul about it. 

Jack {ivho has come over to them, speaking to Arabella 
as he shakes her hand). So this is Arabella — little Arabella. 



46 THE JONAH 

Arabella {her head bent coyly). Yes — Jack. 
Jack {turning to Jerkin). And tliis is some relative, I 
presume ? 

Jerkin. Oh, do — ^just a friend — nothing more. 

Jack. But 1 thought 1 saw 

Jerkin. The lady felt faint, and I 



Jack {shaking Jerkin's ha?id vigorously as he speaks to 
him in a low tone). Keep it up, my boy — keep it up ! 

{Enter Mrs. H. by door l. 2. Slie comes over quickly to 

Arabella.) 

Mrs. H. My darling Arabella ! It does my heart good 
to see you. {She kisses Arabella effusively.) How have 
you been ? It seems ages since 1 saw you last. 

Arabella {returniiig greeting). It was only three days 
ago, dear Mrs. Hildreth. 

Mrs. H. {pointing to Jack, who is talkifig to Jerkin). 
Well, how do you like him ? 

Arabella {enthusiastically). He's just too sweet for 
anything ! 

Mrs. H. How good of you to say so. We must set an 
early date for the wedding. Oh, Arabella, how I envy you 
your coming happiness ! Such awful things have happened 
to-day; I am so miserable. 

Arabella. Why, Mrs. Hildreth ! 

Mrs. H. Come with me and take off your things. I'll 
tell you all about it. 

{She moves over to door l. 2. Arabella follows her, after 
first throwing a glance at Jerkin, 7vho returns it sheep- 
ishly. Jack sees Arabella's look. Arabella and 
Mrs. H. exit by door l. 2.) 

Jack. So you're Jerkin. 

Jerkin {looking furtively after K'RkBYAA.k). And you're 
Jack. 

Jack {nodding toward door l. 2). She seems to have 
taken quite a fancy to you. 

Jerkin. It wasn't my fault, I assure you. She made me 
do it — forced me 

Jack. Don't apologize — it's unnecessary. 

]K^YiV^ {quaver in gly). Y-you want s-satisfaction ? (Jack 
laughs loudly.) I tried my best to put her off. I told her 
1 was a married man 



THE JONAH 47 

Jack {sobering). That's bad. 

Jerkin {asiouiided^. Bad? 

Jack. But wait ; it's all right after all You can elope 
with her. 

Jerkin. Elope? What do you mean ? 

Jack. What I say. Elope — verb active — to run away 
with. Now if you were not married 

Jerkin. But I'm not married. 

Jack. You told me you were. 

Jerkin. No. I told you that I had told her that I was. 

Jack. Oh, well, that's all right then. 

Jerkin. But you're engaged to her, aren't you? 

Jack (^patting Jerkin on the shoulder). Don't mind me, 
old boy. I give her to you with the greatest pleasure. 

Jerkin. Look here; what are you driving at, anyway? 
If you think I would marry that — that girl 

Jack {complacently). I don't think, I know. 

Jerkin. But I'm not in the least in love with her. 

Jack. Neither am I. 

Jerkin. And as for ever loving her, I — I 

Jack. Same here. 

Jerkin {pugnaciously). You're trying to intimidate me 
into this. 

Jack. Not at all. In a moment you'll be jumping at 
the offer. {Co?nes close to Jerkin.) She's rich — very rich 
— and in her own right. 

Jerkin {mollified). You don't say so ? Might I — might 
I ask how rich ? 

Jack. Somewhere around three millions. 

Jerkin. Really? {Slowly.) But then, that's not too 
much — considering her. 

Jack. I thought you would see reason. And if you are 
successful I shall be happy to add a snug little sum of my own 
— just to make up for any extra deficiencies in her character. 

Jerkin {pondering). It's worth thinking over. 

Jack. I should say it was. I wouldn't think of letting a 
chance like that go. 

Jerkin {suspiciously). Then why don't you take her? 
It seems to me you have let the chance go. 

Jack. There — there are reasons. Cupid is blind, you 
know 

Jerkin. In your case, to say the least, he's short sighted. 
However, if you will guarantee the fortune 



48 THE JONAH 

Jack. I'll take my oath on it. 

Jerkin. And the lady is willing, I think I might 

Jack (^I'aki/ig Jerkin's hand). You've decided already. 
I can see it in your face. Go in and win her, my boy, and 
you will have my undying gratitude, and 

Jerkin. And a little something on deposit — ^just to de- 
fray current expenses ? 

Jack {taking fiole from his wallet). Of course. This 
will tide you over. Take her an automobile ride; treat her 
to tea and toast. Do what you like with it, only get her, 
my dear fellow, get her, for better 

Jerkin {jnoumfully). Or worse. 

Jack {pointing to door L. 4). Go in there. I'll send 
her to you. 

Jerkin {moving over to door l. 4). Perhaps you had 
better prepare her for the — ah — happiness in store for her. 

Jack. Never fear ; trust me. She will fairly rush into 
your arms. 

Jerkin {shuddering). Ugh ! Do caution her against 
violent emotions. I have a weak heart. 

Jack {pushing him off good-?iatnredly by door L. 4). 
You're as coy as a maiden. {^Exit Jerkin. Jack co7nes 
down gleefully.) Well, luck seems to have come my way at 
last. 

(^Enter Hildreth by door r. i, with letter in his hand.) 

HiLDRETH {calling off). Miranda! 

Jack. Hello, father ! I've good news for you. 

Hildreth {ignori?ig Jack, and calling off as before). 
Miranda ! 

Jack {coming to line of furniture and leaning over). I 
say I have good news for you. 

Hildreth {as before^ niovitig toward door r. 3, aiid 
opening it). Miranda! Miranda! {Enter Miranda ^^ 
door R. 3.) Miranda, take this letter to Mr. Jarman at once. 

{Hands letter to Miranda.) 

Miranda (sullenly). Yes, sir. 

{Pulls shawl which she has about her shoulders over her 
heady and moves toward door back. ) 

Jack {to Miranda). Miranda, please ask my father if I 
may have a word with him. 



THE JONAH 49 

Miranda {turning back and standing up c). Yes, sir. 

HiLDRETH {to Miranda). Tell Mr. Jack that by express 
orders I am allowed to hold no communication with him. 

Miranda {turning to ]ack). Yes, sir. 

Jack {to Miranda). Kindly inform my father that the 
matter is of the highest importance. 

Miranda {turning to Hildreth). Yes, sir. 

HiLDRETH {to Miranda). Express my regrets to Mr. 
Jack, but 1 am unable to accommodate him. 

Miranda {tumijig to Jack). Yes, sir. 

Jack {to Miranda). Tell him it will admit of no delay. 

(Miranda tur7is to Hildreth.) 
HiLDRETH {to Miranda). Tell him it will have to. 

(Miranda turiis to Jack.) 
Jack {to Miranda). Tell him this is perfect foolishness. 

(Miranda as before.') 

HiLDRETH {to Miranda). Tell him I agree with him. 

(Miranda as before.') 

Jack {exasperated ; to Hildreth). Look here, father, 
this thing can't go on forever. 

Hildreth {to Jack). I know it can't; so the sooner 
you stop the better. 

Jack. I don't intend to stop until you have heard me. 

Hildreth. You are going against your mother's strictest 
orders. 

Jack. Oh, hang mother ! 

Hildreth. I almost wish some one would. (Miranda 
titters.) Miranda, you may take that letter now. 

Miranda. Yes, sir. 

{Exit by door back.) 

Jack. Now listen to me ; I have a scheme 

Hildreth {groaning'). Your last one has sent me to 
the divorce court; this one will probably land me in jail. 

Jack. Don't be foolish ! If it works it will land you in 
mother's arms. 

Hildreth {obstinately). Yes; but I'll wager she'll have 
a rolling-pin in her hand. 



50 THE JONAH 

Jack (^exasperated^. If you won't be serious 

HiLDRETH. Serious? You don't think a rolling-pin's a 
joke, do you? {Resignedly.) But go on; I'll try not to 
interrupt. 

Jack. Well, I have just seen Jerkin 

HiLDRETH {quickly). Jerkin? {Vindictively. ) Where 
is he ? I have a heavy score to settle with him. 

Jack {smiling). Calm yourself, father ; it will soon be 
settled. Arabella has taken quite a fancy to him. 

HiLDRETH. She has ? 

Jack {?ioddijig). She took to him like a duck to water. 
And now I am planning their elopement. 

HiLDRETH {astou7ided). What? 

Jack. Yes ; so you see, things will come out right after 
all. 

HiLDRETH {puzzled). But I don't see. 

Jack {leaning complacently over li?ie offur?iiture, and 
counting on his Ji?igers). Listen ; first Arabella likes Jer- 
kin's looks; second. Jerkin likes Arabella's money; third, 
they elope. Hence 1 can't marry Arabella; hence I can 
marry Natalie. And there you are. 

HiLDRETH. But where do I come in? 

Jack. Nothing simpler. Jerkin being disposed of, there 
will be no more talk about your past misdoings ; and Ara- 
bella being disposed of, we can declare Natalie's true posi- 
tion here. 

HiLDRETH. Your mother thinks she knows that already. 
{Seniles wanly.) You forget I'm a bigamist. 

Jack. Well, you won't be long; and now 

{There is a noise behind door L. 2.) 

HiLDRETH {hurriedly f?iovi?igR.). Be careful. Jack ; some 
one's coming ! 

Jack. Don't forget to be diplomatic. 
HiLDRETH. Rely on me. {He moves further r.) 

{Enter Mrs. H., by door l. 2, carrying her sewing. Shi 
gives HiLDRETH a stony stare. He returns it haughtily^ 
then stalks solemnly off by door r. i.) 

Mrs. H. {shivering). Ugh ! 
Jack {imitating her). Ugh! 
Mrs. H. That awful man ! 
Jack. Isn't he frightful? 



THE JONAH 51 

Mrs. H. Has he been trying 10 talk to you? 

Jack. Not a word. 

Mrs. H. He has strict orders not to. 

Jack. So he said 

Mrs. H. {quickly). What ! 

Jack (recoveriiig himself ). So she said — Miranda, of 
course. 

Mrs. H. Oh ! {Comes close to Jack.) I wanted to see 
you before Arabella comes in. You must be very, very lov- 
ing to her, Jack. 

Jack. Why, certainly, mother. 

Mrs. H. And don't forget that you're engaged to her. 

Jack {poiiitedly'). I'm not apt to. 

Mrs. H. Well, it looked as though you had. You never 
kissed her when she arrived. 

Jack. There — there were good reasons. 

Mrs. H. {severely). There need be none in the future. 
{Listens.) Here she is now. Remember what I say — be 
loving to her. {She moves back.) 

Jack. Put your mind at ease, mother. (Mrs. H. seats 
herself at back. Jack looks disconcerted.) You're not 
going to stay here? 

Mrs. H. Certainly I am. 

Jack. But it — it will be so embarrassing. 

Mrs. H. Not at all. In her arms you will forget my 
existence. And besides, I want to see that you carry out 
my instructions. 

Jack. Oh, of course! Splendid idea ! {Smiles bitterly. 
Enter Arabella by door l. 2. Jack goes to meet her a?id 
speaks in a loud tone of voice.) Ah ! Here is my little 
sweetheart at last ! 

Arabella {putting her hands in his and speaking softly). 
Jack! 

Jack {still speaking loudly as he puts his arfji about her 
zvaist and draws her to him). How I have longed for this 
moment ! 

Arabella {softly). Oh, Jack I 

Jack {still loudly). For three whole years I have been 
denied your sweet presence. But the thought of you has 
always been with me. On the burning deserts, on the 
boundless seas, wherever I have roamed, your dear face has 
smiled at me, beckoned to me, encouraged me. And now — 
now 



52 THE JONAH 

Arabella {ecstatically). Oh, Jack ! 

Jack {(ir awing her head toward hifn, and still speaking 

loudly). And now — at last {He tnakes as if to kiss 

her^ speaking loiu and hurriedly.) Pretend to kiss nie. 

Arabella {breaking from him indignantly). I will not 
pretend — — 

Jack {interrupting loudly). You coy little thing ! {Takes 
her in his arms again and speaks in a low tone.) Not so 
loud ! Mother is listening. You must pretend. 

Arabella {in a low tone). But why? 

Jack {as above). I know all. Jerkin has confessed. 
(Arabella starts. Mrs. H. gives an adjnonitory cough. 
Jack speaks loudly as he tries to kiss Arabella.) Come, 
little girl, I claim my reward for all these years of waiting. 

Arabella {tearfully). Oh, Jack ! 

Jack {puttijig his face close to hers and speaking ifi a 
low tone). That's right ! Keep it up ! {He makes the 
sound of a kiss without touching her face. In a loud tone.) 
There ! My lady has done her duty. 

{He starts over toward chairs by table ^ his arm still about 

Arabella.) 

Arabella {in a low tone). I don't know what you 
mean, Jack. 

Jack {in a low tone). What I mean, when I say you've 
done your duty ? 

Arabella {as before). No; the — the other, {She sits.) 

Jack {drawing up chair beside her and ostentatiously 
putting his arm about her; as before). About Jerkin? 
(Arabella nods.) Simply that I know all — and approve. 

Arabella {as before — surprised). You — you approve? 

Jack {as before). Most heartily. You two are just cut 
out for each other. (Mrs. H. coughs. He conti?mes in a 
loud tone.) And we'll live as happily as two turtle-doves, 
you and I. 

Arabella {in. a low tone ; angrily). I'm glad you like 
him. 

Jack {iji a low tone). Splendid fellow ! I give my con- 
sent freely. 

Arabella {as before). Your consent? To what? 

Jack {as before). To the marriage, of course. 

Arabella {as before). But he's 

Jack {as before). He's not married. 



THE JONAH 53 

Arabella (as before). Not — married ! Why, I would 
never have 

Jack {as before). You don't mean to say that you were 
going to elope with him solely because you thought he was 
married ! Oh, Arabella ! 

Arabella {as before ; co?fusedly). No — not that — but 
I wasn't going to elope with him at all. 

Jack {as before). Then you were playing with him ! 
(Mrs. H. coughs. He continues in a loud tone.) You 
must remember when we played together. 

Arabella {in a low tone). I was not playing with him. 

Jack. It certainly looks hke it. Arabella, he's fasci- 
nated with your mo — with you. 

Arabella {as before — irritated). Jack, you're trying 
to make me angry. {Her anger rising.) But I will not get 
angry with you. {More angrily.) Do you hear me? I 
will not. 

Jack {as before). That's right. Specially as I am going 
to help you. 

Arabella {as before). I'm much obliged to you. 

Jack {as before). Don't mention it. My happiness is 
yours — even though it breaks my heart. 

Arabella {as before). Your heart ! {Laughs bitterly.) 
I don't believe you have a heart. 

Jack {as before). 1 know 1 haven't. It's broken. 

Arabella {as before ; trying to disengage herself from 
Jack's embrace). You might at least have the decency not 
to act out this miserable farce. 

Jack {as before, drawing her closer to him). I wish I 
could Slop it. You have no idea how hard it is for me — 
this making love to you when I know you are another's. 
But we must lull suspicion until you and Jerkin can get 
safely away. 

Arabella {as before — startled). You're not going 
to 

Jack {as before). No; I'm not. You are. Jerkin is 
waiting for you now. i hope you won't deny me the 
pleas — sad consolation of being best man. 

{Enter by door r. Emily and Natalie. Jack sees them 
a?id moves hastily away from Arabella.) 

Arabella {as before). What's the matter? {Follows 
direction of ]p,cvi's eyes.) Oh! 



54 THE JONAH 

Natalie {seei7ig Jack and co??nng forwat-d impulsively). 

Why, Jack, 1 (Arabella rises fro7?i her chair for- 

biddingly. Natalie stops slwrt, and contiiiues coldly.) Oh ! 
1 — 1 beg your pardon ! 

(Mrs. H., at sight ^ Emily and Natalie, turns her chair 
with its back toward them. S/ie ignores theiti entirely.) 

Emily {taking Natalie's arm). Let's go out for a walk. 
Natalie {recovering her self-possession). You may, if 
you wish. 1 think 1 shall stop here. 

{She seats herself beside table R. Emily sits near her. 
IViey converse in louf tones, Natalie glancifig cotitinually 
toward Jack and Arabella.) 

Arabella {ivho has taken all this iti understandi?igly ; 
in a low, menacing totie to Jack). So — what I suspected 
is true. 

Jack {in a low tone). I don't know what you suspected, 
but from your tone I should judge it was true. 

Arabella {as before). And you have been deceiving 
me 

Jack {as before). Pardon me — you have been deceiv- 
ing me. 

Arabella {cofitiiiuing — as before). Deceiving me and 
running after this other girl — making love to her, perhaps. 
(Mrs. H. coughs. A spiteful light comes ifito Arabella's 
eyes.) Oh ! We forgot ! We must continue to act out 
this — um — miserable farce. 

{During the remainder of this scene, when Arabella is 
making love to Jack, she exaggerates her gestures almost 
to burlesque, bringing into play all her mawkishness and 
awkwardness.) 

Jack {as before — quickly). I don't think there's any 
need of it now. 

Arabella {as before). Oh, yes, there is. More need 
than ever. We must 'Mull suspicion," you know. {In a 
loud tone, leaning toward Jack.) Ah, my love ! How 
your words thrill me ! 

(Natalie starts. FjMILy pats her hand reassuringly.) . 



THE JONAH 55 

Jack {in a low to fie — -fiercely). Be quiet, can't you ? 

Arabella. You can't imagine how weary the last three 
years have been. I kept a map of the country you were in 
pinned in my mirror. And every morning 1 would look at 
the little black speck of a town where you were, and wonder 
if you were thinking of me. 

Jack {i?i a low tone). Not so loud, I tell you. 

Arabella {raising her voice). And do you kno^v, Ja?k, 
once 1 had such a curious feeling. 1 thought that you had 
thrown me over for — for some one else. (Jack looks up at 
her.) It was while you were in Japan. (Jack looks re- 
lieved.) Or was it India ? (Jack starts ; Natalie half rises 
from her chair, but is restrained by Emily. Arabella 
sees them.) Yes, it was India. I remember now. In one 
of those towns with an unpronounceable name. 

Natalie {i?i a low tone). Bombay ! 

Arabella. And I felt so jealous, and {Turns on 

IkQYi fiercely.) I really believe I could have killed you 

{Makes gestures.) Stabbed you to the heart — like this, and 
this ! (Jack cringes away from her.) But of course it was 
just my silly fancy. Wasn't it, darling ? 

{She looks up lovingly at Jack. ) 

Natalie {to Emily). Who is that girl ? 

Emily (/c? Natalie). I'll explain later. Don't you think 
we had better leave ? 

Natalie. I am going to see this through first. 

Arabella {continuing in a loud tone). I am so glad you 
didn't do anything like that. Just think how foolish you 
would have felt if I had stabbed you. 

Jack (/// a lota tone). Are you a woman — or a fiend ? 

Arabella {ifi a low tone ; fiercely), I'm a woman, hurt, 
revengeful. 

Jack {half aside). Then you're a fiend. 

Arabella {in a loud tone). We've been engaged so long ! 
(Natalie starts.) Sometimes it has seemed as though you 
would never come back to me — as though our love were 
some blissful dream of the past, too beautiful ever to be 
realized. But now — now we can take it up where we left it 
three years ago, and, as man and wife, learn what true love 
really means. {Pleads.) Jack, don't let's put off the happy 
day too long. (Jack jumps to his feet angrily.) Ah, I 
have bored you with my talk ! Forgive me. Jack. 



56 THE JONAH 

{She puts her ar?7is about his neck. He tries to draw away, 
but she holds him fast and kisses him lovingly upon the 
mouth. ^ai:ai.ik Jumps from her chair ^ lier eyes blazing.') 

Emily {catching Natalie's arm atid holding her). Wait, 
Natalie ! wait ! Be calm ! 

Natalie {turning on Emily). Let me go ! I 

Emily {imperiously). Sit down ! Sit down, 1 tell you ! 

(Natalie sinks into chair. Emily keeps hold of her hand. 
Mrs. H. gives a gratified sigh of relief. Jack catches his 
mother' s eye, and ceases struggli?ig in Arabella's em- 
brace. He dise?igages hirnse If gently, and moves left.) 

Arabella {following him). Where are you going, 
dearest ? 

Jack. I — I have to write some letters. 
Arabella. Oh, I'll come, too ! 

(Jack stops ; then an idea strikes him, and he tur?is to 

door l. ) 

Jack. All right ! In here. {Aside, grimly.) I had 
forgotten Jerkin. 

{Exeunt Arabella and Jack.) 

(Mrs. H. gathers up her sewing and rises.) 

Mrs. H. {looking after Jack and Arabella, as she 
moves to door l. To herself). Ah, how they love each 
other! {Tearfully.) It reminds me so of the happy days 
when John courted me ! 

{She turns at door l. , and stares haughtily at Emily a7id 
Natalie. Exit.) 

Natalie {jumping from her chair). Well, of all the 

Emily {gently). It is hard, dear, but I am sure Jack 

will be able to set it all right. 

Natalie {angrily). You would naturally take his part ; 

you're his sister. But with me it's different, and 1 think 

I'm justified in breaking off our engagement. 

Emily. Your engagement ? To — to 

Natalie. To Jack, of course. {Turns to Emily 

quickly.) You — you don't mean to say that he hasn't told 

you ? 



THE JONAH 57 

Emily {confused'). I knew that he — that he cared for 
you a great deal. But 1 — 1 didn't know that it had — well, 
had gone so far. 

Natalie {bitterly). Yes, it has "gone so far" 

{Shows her e?igagemeni ring.) And further, {Sarcas- 
tically.) To the extent of some hundreds of dollars further. 
{Takes off ring and flings it on table.) Oh, I'm so mis- 
erable ! {Sinks down in chair by table and buries her face 
in her hands. Tearfully.) S-so m-m-miserable ! 

Emily {kneeling beside Natalie, a7td putting her ar?n 
about her). Don't, Natalie. Please, please don't. 

Natalie. Right before my face, too. It was an insult ; 
a — a {Her tone changes.) Who was that — that per- 
son? 

Emily. You mean her name ? Arabella McSnatch. 

Natalie. Hm ! 1 don't wonder she wants to change 
it. And is what she said true? All of it? 

Emily {fencing). Well, I'm not sure about her pinning 
the maps in her mirror. 

Natalie. I'm in earnest about this, Emily. You know 
what I mean. Are they — are they really engaged? 

Emily. You heard what she said. 

Natalie {rising angrily). Then it is true ! And — and 
Jack was engaged to her when he made love to me ! Why, 
he's an attempted bigamist ! {She starts r.) 

Emily {catching her arm). If you will only wait until 
you see Jack 

Natalie. I've seen enough of him, thanks. 

Emily. I swear to you he's not in love with her. 

Natalie {sarcastically). Of course not ! He was only 
practicing just now. {She wrenches herself free <?/" Emily's 
grasp and moves toward door r.) I left my hat in here, I 
believe. 

Emily {following her pleadingly). Natalie! You're not 
really going ? 

Natalie. There's nothing else for me to do. You don't 
expect me to stay here with — {motioning toward l.) that 
going on, do you? 

Emily {in an agonized tone). Oh, dear ! Isn't there 
anything I can do? 

Natafje {at door r.). Yes ; you can help me on with my 
things, if you will. 

{Exit by door R.) 



58 THE JONAH 

Emily (^following Natalie). Poor Jack ! Poor old 

Jack ! 

(Exit door R.) 

[The door R. i opens cautiously «//^/ Hildreth's head ap- 
pears. He looks abouty afid then enters softly, closing 
the door behind him.) 

HiLDRETH. The coast's clear at last ! Now for a quiet 
smoke. (^He looks about the apartment on his side. ) What 
can they have done with my pipes? Mary would hardly be 
so heartless as to (^He is close beside the line cf furni- 
ture. He spies a trayful of pipes on table L.) Oh ! She 
did take them away, after all. Well, all's fair in love and 
war. (^Looks about him cautiously, then climbs a chair 
forming line of furniture.') Here goes ! (^He puts a leg 
over. Knock on door at back. He stops.) Heavens ! 
{Knock repeated. He scrambles back. Knock repeated.') 
1 don't believe Miranda has returned from Jarman's yet. 

(^He goes to door back and opetis it. Enter Buskin with a 
rush. Runs into line of fur7iitiire.) 

Buskin {rubbing his knee angrily). What the devil's 
that ? 

HiLDRETH. A sofa. 

Buskin. Well, I know it. 

HiLDRETH. Then why did you ask? 

Buskin. Look here ! 1 won't stand any impertinence. 

HiLDRETH. Neither will I. 

Buskin. One might think you owned the place. 

HiLDRETH. I do — or at least a half of it. 

Buskin {calming down). Oh, 1 beg your pardon for 

my rudeness. I — I thought {Turns to Hildreth 

quickly.) Then you're young Hildreth's father? 

HiLDRETH. I am. 

Buskin. You're just the man I want to see. Sir, your 
son's a villain. 

HiLDRETH {bewildered). I don't understand you. 

Buskin. I will explain. My name's Buskin. 

HiLDRETH. Natalie's father ? 

Buskin {nodding his head). Yes. Now do you under- 
stand ? 



THE JONAH 59 

HiLDRETH (jnore bewildered). Not in the slightest. 

Buskin. Oh, come now i You can't make me beheve 
that. 

HiLDRETH. It's the truth, nevertheless. 

Buskin. And you are living here, in the same apartment 
with him ? 

HiLDRETH. Well, yes — in a way. 

Buskin (^suspiciously). Look here, now ! I don't know 
what your game is in pretending ignorance to all this, but I 
give you fair warning that you can't trifle with me ! I'll 
have you arrested as an accessory, if you're not careful. 

HiLDRETH (^startled). But, my dear sir, don't you see 
that I'm entirely in the dark? If you will only explain, 
I 

Buskin. Do you mean to say that you don't know that 
your son is already married? 

HiLDRETH {surprised). Is that so? He told me that 
he was only engaged. So Natalie is really his wife ! 

Buskin {thunderstruck). What ! He has — has married 
her? Good heavens, I'm too late after all ! {Sinks into a 
chair, moaning.) Oh, I didn't think he could sink as low 
as that ! 

HiLDRETH. Sink as low as that? Why, man, you're 
talking of your daughter as though 

Buskin. Of my daughter? I'm speaking of your son. 
You are sure they are actually married ? 

HiLDRETH. Sure ? I never dreamed of it. 

Buskin {jumping up). Then what did you mean by 
telling me they were ? 

HiLDRETH {co77ipletely bezvildered). I — I didn't. 

Buskin. You did — ^just now. 

HiLDRETH. Pardon me, you told me. 

Buskin {angrily). I didn't. 

HiLDRETH. You did — ^just now. 

Buskin. I told you that your son was married. 

HiLDRETH. Yes. And I of course supposed it was to 
your daughter. 

Buskin (eagerly). Then they're not ? 

HiLDRETH. As far as I know, they're not. 

Buskin {jnuch relieved). Thank goodness ! 

HiLDRETH. But whom is my son married to, then? 

Buskin. You ought to know better than I. 

HiLDRETH. I know nothing at all. 



60 THE JONAH 

Buskin {curiously). Is that the truth ? Then it must 
be worse than 1 thought. 

HiLDRETH {startled). You don't mean 

Buskin {shaking his head sagely). Secret marriages, 
you know And yet slie looked respectable enough. 

HiLDRETH. You havc seen her ? 

Buskin. In this very room, about two hours ago. 

HiLDRETH. Here? What can all this mean? Who 
is she ? 

Buskin. That's just what I asked you. 

HiLDRETH. But how did she look ? I must find out 
about this. 

Buskin. She was a tall, scrawny female of about fifty, I 
should judge. Not the kind any one would fall in love 
with, and old enough to be his mother. In fact, 1 thought 
she was his mother at first. 

HiLDRETH. And she said she wasn't? 

Buskin. Swore she wasn't, lold me she was his wife. 
I'm sorry to say it, sir, but I'm afraid you have a rascal for 
a son. 

HiLDRETH {sadly). It certainly looks that way. But we 
mustn't go into this thing precipitately. I am expecting my 
lawyer any moment now, and he will advise us as to what 
is best to do. 

{They sit and begin to converse.) 

{Enter Jack by door l. 4 swiftly. He shuts it to quickly 
and locks it, chuckling.) 

Jack {to himself). There, my two honey-birds ! (TJiere 
is a furious pounding on door L. 4, and cries from Ara- 
bella ^;z^ Jerkin of ^^ Let me out T' etc.) How they do 
love each other ! 

(HiLDRETH and BusKiN, attracted by the 7ioise, look up.) 
Buskin. Ah ! There's the young rascal now ! 
{Rises iftdignantly. ) 

Jack {seei7ig Buskin, and crossing over). Why, Mr. 
Buskin ! This is indeed a pleasure ! 

Buskin {angrily). A pleasure you will rue, young man. 
{Strides over to line of furniture.) For a dime I'd — I'd 



THE JONAH 6l 

{^He raises his clenched fisf. Jack looks dumbfounded. 
HiLDKETH rushes hastily to Buskin and clutches his 
arm?) 

HiLDRETH. Mr. Buskin ! Mr. Buskin ! 

Buskin {wrenchitig himself free'). Let me go, Hildreth ! 
{Turns to Jack and shakes his fist in t/ie other^ s face.) 
You rascal ! You double-faced cub ! You scoundrel ! I've 
a good mind to thrash you. {Puts foot on chair.) And, 
by heaven, I believe 1 

(Hildreth grabs him about the waist and pulls him back 
by ifiain strength. Buskin struggles violently, but Hil- 
dreth holds him tight and begins to drag Imn toward 
door R. I.) 

Hildreth. Don't, Mr. Buskin ! For my sake ! Not 
here ! 

Buskin {struggling as he is being dragged across room). 
Let me go, I tell you, Hildreth ! Let me go ! Let me go ! 

Hildreth. Not for the world ! Come ! 

Buskin {trying to make a stand). 1 won't ! Let me 
go ! If I once get at him, I'll 

Hildreth {dragging Buskin toward door ; they struggle). 
Yes, yes ; you'll get — satisfaction — after while — not now. 
Remember — this is — my — house. 

{They have reached door. Hildreth manages to get it 

open.) 

Buskin {still strugglifig). Hang you — Hildreth — I be- 
lieve you're — in league — with him 

{Exeufit Hildreth and Buskin still strugglitig. Jack 
stands absolutely dazed, looking after them.) 

Jack (/// a bewildered to fie). Well, am I awake, or am 

I {There is furious pounding on door L. 4. He 

smiles.) I'm awake. {Walks toward door i.. \.) Be quiet 
in there, you two ! {E?iter Natalie by door r. 3, her hat 
and jacket on, her satchel in her hand. She sees Jack, hesi- 
tates, thefi walks swiftly over to door back. Jack sees her 
a fid runs to ffieet her. He gets to the door first.) Why, 
Natty, where are you going ? 

Natalie {coldly). Will you please let me pass, Mr, 
Hildreth .? 



62 THE JONAH 

Jack {sinili?ig^ as he sta?ids in front of door'). Not till 
you tell me where you are going. 

Natalie [looking hij?i in the eye). It's none of your 
business. 

Jack Qiroppifig his tight manner). Natalie, you're angry 
with me for — for what happened a bit ago, and I 

Natalie {interrupting). Do you intend to let me pass? 

Jack {continuing). And I don't wonder you are. But 
when you hear the explanation 

Natalie. Do you intend to let me pass ? Or shall I be 
forced to call for assistance? {She turns away.) 

Jack {starting after her ; pleadingly). Natalie, you surely 
don't mean to 

Natalie {turning on him, and poi?iting to table, R.). 
You will find your engagement ring there. 

{She turfis down stage. Jack stops a?id looks after her 
dazedly, the?i turfis hopelessly away.) 

Buskin [outside). I'll be calm, Hildreth, I promise you. 

Natalie {rufining toward door r. i). Father! {The 
door R. I flies open, and Buskin, so7newhat dishevelled, 
bursts in, followed by Hildreth. Jack, by this time, has 
crossed back of line of furiiiture. Natalie runs into 
Buskin's amis.) Oh, father, father ! How glad I am 
you're here ! 

Buskin {fondling her). My poor little girl ! 

Natalie {shivering). I can't stand it another minute, 
father. Oh, take me away — take me away ! 

Buskin {glaring over at Jack). He — he hasn't been 
insulting you again ? 

Natalie {shaking her head). No, but — but it's all over ! 
[Begins to sob.) Our e-e-engagement's b-b-broken off. 

Buskin. Then you know 

Natalie. Y-yes; he's already e-e- engaged to — to 
another girl. 

Buskin. Engaged ! He's married ! 

Natalie {suddenly drawing herself fro?n Buskin's etn- 
brace ; terror-sirickeii). What ! 

Buskin {taki?ig her in his arms agai?i). I'm afraid it's 
so, dear. 

{Enter Mrs. H., by door l. 2.) 



THE JONAH 63 

Mrs. H. (to Jack). What is all this noise in here 

{Sees others ; draws herself 2/p haughtily.) Oh! 
HiLDKETH. Mary ! 

(Buskin, liftmghis head fro7ti Natalie's /^^<?, sees Mrs. H.) 

Buskin. And, by heaven, there she is ! {Turns to 
Hn.DRETH and points at Mrs. H.) His wife ! 

Mrs. H. {dazed j pointing to Jack). I? His wife? 
Weil — upon — my — word ! 

{She sinks i7ito chair in a state of collapse. Jack looks 
stupidly o?i. Buskin supports Natalie, who has fainted. 
There is a terrific pounding 071 door L. 4, which 710 one 
heeds. ^ 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act II. It is the same day. The time 
is about half past twelve. 

(Jack is discovered seated at table L., writing. There is a 
terrific pounding o?i door L. 4, and cries of '■'■ Let 7?ie out,^^ 
etc., from Jerkin and Arabella. Jack seals letter, then 
jumps up angrily and crosses to door L. 4.) 

Jack. Hello, in there! (^The pounding ceases.) Stop 
that infernal noise ! 

Jerkin {outside'). I'll have you prosecuted for this ! 

Jack {calmly). No, you won't, you Jonah. That is, 
unless you want the facts of your attempted elopement known. 

{Sounds ^Arabella's sobbing.) 

Jerkin. Well, what are you going to do ? 

Jack. I am going to let you out when it is perfectly 
safe — not an instant before. You came to this house to 
make trouble. Now you're getting some. If there's any 
more of that hideous pounding I shall give away the whole 
thing. You can take your choice. {He comes over to table 
chuckling, a7id picks up the letter. Enter Miranda by 
door at back, a shawl thrown over her head. She starts 
toward door r. i. Jack sees her and cotnes to lifie of ficr- 
iiiture.') Miranda ! 

Miranda {turning back). Yes, sir ! 

Jack. Where have you been ? 

Miranda. Takin' Mr. Hildreth's letter to Mr. Jarman, 
sir. It's about the diworce, 1 think. 

Jack. The divorce ? Jarman ? {He bursts out laugh- 
ing.) Well, I'll be 

Miranda. Is that all, sir ? 

Jack {recovering himself). No. Take this to Miss 
Buskin. It's most important. {Hands letter to MlRk'ii'DA..^ 

Miranda. To Miss Buskin ? Yes, sir. 

Jack. And tell her I'll wait for her here. 

64 



THE JONAH 65 

(Miranda starts r. Jack turns up stage. Enter Hil- 
DRETH and Buskin by door r. i. Jack, on seeing them, 
slips into alcove and hears the etisuing.) 

HiLDRETH (to Buskin). You had better leave Miss 
Buskin here until she quite recovers. 

Buskin. Thank you, I will. 

Miranda {coming over to thetn). I gave Mr. Jarmaii 
your letter, sir. 

HiLDRETH. Yes ? And he's coming ? 

Miranda. 'E said 'e'd be 'ere immejitly. 

HiLDRETH. Ah, that's splendid ! I am much obliged to 
you, Miranda. 

Miranda (Jiaughtily'). Don't mention it. The ladies 
is in 'ere ? 

(HiLDRETH nods. Exit Miranda by door R. 3.) 

HiLDRETH {to Buskin). You had better wait and see 
Jarman before you do anything. 

Buskin {coldly). It's hardly necessary. 

HiLDRETH. Then you intend 

Buskin. I intend to go to police headquarters. 

HiLDRETH. You're not going to have Jack arrested ? 

Buskin. I am. 

HiLDRETH. But on what grounds ? Your charge of 
bigamy will no longer stand now that you know that his 
reputed wife is really his mother. 

Buskin {getting angry). It's a case of breach of prom- 
ise now, besides false representation for making love to my 
daughter when he was engaged to this other girl. 

HiLDRETH. Oh, dear ! But can you have him arrested 
for that ? Is it according to law ? 

Buskin {angrily). Oh, hang the law ! I've got to have 
him arrested for something, or he'll have me arrested for 
assault and battery. {Moves toward door back.) You will 
take care of Natalie until I return? 

HiLDRETH. Yes, gladly. 

Buskin. Well, then I'll be off. (Takes hat and goes to 
door back.) And — by the way, I should advise you to look 
up some good, quiet — ah — sanitarium, for that wife of 
yours. 

HiLDRETH. Do you think 

Buskin. Think? I know. {Taps his head.) Abso- 



66 THE JONAH 

lutely gone. But I won't keep you any longer. Good- 
day. 

(Exit by door back.') 

HiLDRETH {crossing to door r. i, and tapping his head 
sorrowfully). ''Absolutely gone." (Sadly.) Yes, I'm 
afraid he's right. 

(Exit.) 

(On Buskin's departure Jack has come out of alcove and 
starts as if to speak to Hildreth, the?i stops and watches 
the latter exit. Jack 7iow comes down. He stands 
moodily for an instant in deep thought, then turns to line 
of furniture and shapes his hands like a funnel at his 
viouth.) 

Jack (calling toward door w. t^ softly). Emily! Emily! 
(Pause. A little louder.) Emily ! 1 say, Emily ! 

(Enter Emily by door r. 3.) 
Emily. Oh, is it you, Jack ? What do you want ? 
(She crosses over. ) 

Jack. I want you to help me devise some plan to end all 
this fuss — at once. It has gone beyond a joke. The latest 
development is my proposed arrest. 

Emily. Arrest ? For what ? 

Jack. Heaven knows ! Breach of promise, false repre- 
sentation — half the crimes in the calendar. Mr. Buskin has 
gone to police headquarters. 

Emily. But what can we do ? 

Jack. Bring mother and father together, somehow. If 
we can get their misunderstanding unraveled, the rest will 
come of itself. 

Emily (pondering'). Let me see. 

Jack (lookitig at his watch). We have a good hour be- 
fore Buskin can possibly return. It's now a quarter to one, 
so that gives us until after lunch anyway. 

Emily (her face brighte?iing). Lunch ! Wait a mo- 
ment ! I think I have it ! 

Jack (anxiously). What is it ? 

Emily. You're sure Mr. Buskin won't be back before 
lunch ? 



THE JONAH 67 

Jack. Positive. 

Emily. Then we're safe. 

Jack. What are you going to do, Emily? 

Emily (^playfully). Never mind. I'll arrange every- 
thing. {Seriously.) But — what about Arabella? 

Jack \glanciiig grimly at door l. 4). She won't worry 
us any more. I've settled that. 

Emily. And Natalie? 

Jack {quickly'). Did Miranda give her my letter? 

Emily. 1 imagine so. She was reading something just 
now. Oh, Jack ! You've treated her abominably. 

Jack {contritely). I know it. I've been a brute to her. 

But the letter explained everything, and {Leans 

toward Emily.) Emily, don't you think you could per- 
suade her to see me? 

Emily. Til try. She may be softening toward you. 
She was just between laughing and crying when 1 left her. 

{She moves over to door R. 3.) 

Jack. Poor little lady ! She's all overwrought. 

Emily. Don't let her see you until I prepare her. {A 
mischievous light i?t her eyes.) Get down behind the sofa. 
(Jack obeys her. Emily opens door r. 3 a7id calls off.) 
Natalie ! Don't you want to come in here? It's so much 
more cheery. 

{Enter Natalie by door r. 3. She is a little pale, but her 
expression is bright. She is carry i fig Jack's letter in 
her hand.) 

Natalie {to Emily, holding out letter). Oh, Emily ! 
Pve just received this letter from Jack. 

Emily {feigning surprise). Yes? 

Natalie. And I don't know what to do. 

Emily {mischievously). He has been nasty again, I 
suppose. 

Natalie. No; oh, no. He's kindness itself. Far kinder 
than I deserve. This is the sweetest note 

Emily. 1 didn't know he used scented paper. 

Natalie {shocked). Emily ! 

Emily {sfieeringly). Hm ! 

Natalie. And he is your brother ! 

Emily. In consequence of which I know him better than 
you do. 



68 THE JONAH 

(Jack ittakes despairing signs to Emily, wJio ignores ihem.) 

Natalie. You didn't talk that way an hour ago. 

Emily. Ah, but that was an hour ago. 

Natalie. Well, 1 shall not believe anything bad you 
may say about him. 

Emily. Of course not. 

Natalie. And if you're trying to make me hate him, 
you've chosen the wrong way. (Emily chuckles gleefully.') 
You seem to forget that we're engaged. 

Emily (roguishly). No; 1 remember that you are not. 

Natalie {suddeiily sorrowful). Oh, Emily ! Do you 
think he took that seriously ? 

Emily. 1 hardly think he took it as a joke. 

Natalie. If 1 had only known then what 1 know now. 

Emily. You mean what you think you know now. 

Natalie (obstinately). No — what 1 know I know now. 
Emily, this is unkind of you ; especially when I need your 
help. 

Emily (struggling ivith laughter). But my dear child ! 
I'm doing everything in my power to help you. 

(Jack shoivs increasing signs of uneasiness. He agai?i tries 
to catch Emily's attention^ but unsuccessfully.) 

Natalie. I might have known that you would act this 
way. You've never been in love and 

Emily. Love I Pshaw ! A flimsy concoction made up 
of one-fourth attraction to — to three-fourths imagination. 

Natalie (scandalized). Emily ! You speak of it as 
though it were a kitchen recipe ! 

Emily. It generally is, when it comes to housekeeping. 

Natalie (severely). You're very hard. True love is 
eternal. 

Emily. No; it's followed by marriage. 

(Jack has been groiuing more and more restless. He now 
rises quickly from his hiding-place.) 

Jack (his eyes blazing). Emily, I've heard about enough 
of this foolishness. 

Natalie (springing toivard him). Jack ! 

(She pauses doubtfully. Jack vaults over the line of furni- 
ture and takes her in his arms.) 



THE JONAH 69 

Jack. Natalie ! My love ! i^He kisses her.) 
Emily {laughing). I was wondering how much of that 
drivel you could stand, Jack. (Natalie and Jack are ab- 
sorbed in themselves.) And now I'll go and arrange about 
lunch. {Moves to door k. 3.) Did you speak? {They 
ignore her.) Oh ! 

{Exit, laughifig.) 

Natalie. ) ^ r • a ^ a 

■r V Can you forgive me, dearest r 

(They laugh, then solemnly hook the little fingers of their 
right hatids together, and press their thumbs together.) 

Natalie. ) .^-1 11 
T ^1 humbs ! 

Jack. j 

Natalie. Did you wish? 

Jack. Yes ; did you ? 

Natalie. Certainly. 

Jack. What was it ? 

Natalie. I can't tell you, Jack. It wouldn't come true 
if I did. 

Jack {pretefiding a?iger). Natalie ! You have no right 
to keep secrets from me. No right — do you understand ? 

Natalie {pretending haughtiness). Sir, you are pre- 
suming. 

Jack. Not in the least. And furthermore, if this thing 
continues I shall be forced to chastise you. 

Natalie {laughter struggliiig with her severity). Then 
1 shall have you prosecuted for assault and battery. 

Jack. You mean wife beating — or rather fiancee beating. 

Natalie {dropping her light manner). Oh, Jack, will 
you really take me back ? 

Jack (poititing to table 'R.). " You will find your engage- 
ment ring there." {He takes ringfrotn table.) 

Natalie. Don't, Jack; don't ! I was such a fool. 

Jack {taki?ig her in his ar?ns tenderly). No, little girl ; 
I was a brute. I ought to have told you about Arabella, 
but, on my word of honor, I hadn't the least suspicion that 
my engagement to her was meant seriously. 

{He slips ring on 'Natalie's finger.) 



70 THE JONAH 

Natalie. Yes, yes — I understand. And now you must 
tell your mother of ours at once, Jack. 

Jack. I intend to, as soon as 1 possibly can. But things 
are at sixes and sevens just at present, and until we can 
straighten them out you mustn't feel hurt if she's — ah, not 
very cordial to you. 

Natalie (a little doubtfully). Very well; I'll do what 
you think is best. 

Jack (Jzisshig her). That's right, dear. {Listejis.') 
There's some one coming ! (JMoves to line of furiiiture!) 
I must get back ! Au revoir ! 

Natalie {waving her haiidker chief to him ; laughing). 
Au revoir ! 

(Jack starts to climb over lt?te of furniture. He is Just 
half over when Mrs. H. enters by door l. 2.) 

Mrs. H. {seeiiig Jack). Jack ! 

Jack {looking over at her). Hello, mother ! 

{He grips the backs of the chairs firmly and, one leg on ofie 
side, ofie on the other, begins to solemnly raise and lower 
himself ivith his arfns.) 

Mrs. H. What on earth are you doing ? 

Jack. Exercising. 

Mrs. H. Exercising? 

Jack {continuing 7notions). Best system in the world for 
developing chest and back. Everybody does it in the East. 

Mrs. H. Oh ! {She crosses to line of furniture, and 
sudde?ily spies Natalie. She poijits an accusi?ig finger at 
the girl.) Jack ! 

Jack {stopping his motions and looking around at Mrs. H.). 
Yes? 

Mrs. H. (still pointifig). Look ! 

Jack {foUowing direction of her finger). Oh ! {He 
looks at Mrs. H.) It seems to be a girl. 

Mrs. H. It's that Buskin woman ! 

Jack. Is it really ? {Looks over at Natalie a?id winks 
at her as he ^notions her to leave ; then he turns to his 
mother.) She's not bad looking. 

{He begins exercising again. Natalie, at first a little 
put out, noiv begins to be amused. She moves over to 
door R. 3.) 



THE JONAH 71 

Mrs. H. {coming close to Jack). Jack, it isn't safe for 
you here. 

Jack (contifmitig exercise violently'). I don't believe the 
chairs will give away. 

Mrs. H. I don't mean that. {Grasps his arm with 
sudden exasperatio?i.) Stop those silly njotions ! You've 
done enough, and you're making me dizzy. 

Jack {stopping and cla?nbering over on left side). Ah, 
that was fine ! {Stretches himself.^ There's nothing like 
good, healthy exercise. 

{He looks over at Natalie, who has paused by door^. 3, 
and gives her a little nod. She smiles back. Exit 
Natalie.) 

Mrs. H. {seeing Natalie's smile'). The brazen hussy ! 
She's a dangerous woman, Jack ! 

Jack {s7nilin^). Yes, 1 think she is. 

{There is a furiotcs pounding on door L. 4. Jack's smile 
broadens into a grin. He crosses to table, seats himself , 
and appears deeply interested in a book.) 

Mrs. H. {startled at noise). What's that ? (Jack con- 
tifiues reading.) Jack, what's that noise? 
Jack {looking around). What noise ? 
Mrs. H. {exasperated). There, stupid ! 

{Points to door l. 4.) 

Jack {lookitig at door l. 4). Oh, that ! Why — it's 
some one pounding, isn't it? 
Mrs. H. Of course it is. 
Jack. That's what I thought. 

{He returns to his reading. The pounding is redoubled. ) 

Mrs. H. {comifig over to Jack quickly). Jack, there's 
some one in that room. 

Jack. Yes ; I fancy there is. 

Mrs. H. What are they doing in there ? 

Jack. Pounding. 

Mrs. H. You're most annoying. {Starts toward door 
L. 4.) I shall find out for myself. 

Jack {dropping book and Jumping frojn his chair ; 
seriously). Don't, mother ! 



72 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. {pa2isi?ig). Why not? 

Jack {sole7niily). Because — because I advise you not to. 

Mrs. H. {starting again toward door l. 4). Hm ! 

Jack. Wait ! {He grasps her arm.') Can you stand a 
great shock ? 

Mrs. H. {startled). W-what do you mean? 

Jack. Simply what I say. 

Mrs. H. Jack, you frighten me ! What is it? 

Jack. You really wish to know ? 

Mrs. H. {holding to ]ack in a terrified maimer). Yes; 
yes ! Tell me ! What is the matter? 

Jack. Remember, I've tried to spare you all this ; but, 
if you will know 

{The pounding on door l. 4 begins again.) 

Arabella {outside). Let me out, you brute ! 
Mrs. H. {turning to door l. 4). Arabella ! 

{She rushes over to door L. 4.) 

Jack {solemnly). Yes, Arabella ! 

Mrs. H. {trying door). You've locked her in ! 

Jerkin {outside). You'll be sorry for this, young man. 

Mrs. H. [turnifig to Jack). There's some one with her 
— a man ! 

Jack {nodding his head). Her lover. 

Mrs. H. {gaspijig). What ! 

Jack. Jeremiah Jerkin. 1 caught them as they were on 
the point of eloping. 

Mrs. H. Eloping ! I never heard of such a thing ! 

{She unlocks door angrily. Arabella bursts iti^ almost 
upsetting Mrs. H . ) 

Arabella {in a tower i?ig passion). I've never been 
treated in such a way in all my life. It's an insult — a fiend- 
ish insult ! I won't stay here another instant ! (Mrs. H. 
tries to interrupt. Arabella s?iaps her fingers in the oth- 
er' s face.) Bah ! Bah ! You're all in league together, all 
of you ! {Goes to door l. 2. Jack is in her way. She 
gives him a shove.) Get out of my road ! 

{Exit by door l. 2.) 
Mrs. H. {in surprised anger). Well ! (Jack shrugs 



THE JONAH 73 

his shoulders hi feigned dejectediiess. Mus. H. comes over 
to him and puts her arms about him.') My poor Jack ! 

Jack. It's all right, mother ! I'll get over it. And — 
and it's better I should know it now rather than — than later. 

(Jerkin's scared face appears at door l. 4.) 

Mrs. H. (pityitig/y). Everything between you is over 
now. (Jack grins aside. Mrs. H. tur?is to door l. 4 ajid 
sees Jerkin.) Oh — you monster ! (JShe strides over to 
Jerkin.) So this is why you came here? To 

Jack (restraini?tg her). It is not his fault, mother. 

Mrs. H. Not his fault? I won't believe that Ara- 
bella 

Jack. It is the truth, nevertheless, (Jerkin has come 
into the room and stands looking sheepishly from o?ie to the 
other. Aside to Jerkin.) I'll back up anything you say. 

Jerkin. Oh, yes, madam, I assure you that if Miss — er — 
McSnatch had not been so pressing, and my — er — natural 
gallantry, not so 

Mrs. H. {impatie7itly). Nevermind; nevermind. I'll 
believe you. And now 

Jerkin (nioving toward door back). And now I will bid 
you good-morning. 

(^There is a knock 07i door back. ]¥.RKm stops suddenly.) 

Mrs. H. Answer the door, Jack. (^To Jerkin.) And 
you — stay where you are. 

(Jack goes to door back and admits Henry Jarman. He 
is a brisk, dapper little man of about fifty ^ with a sharpy 
incisive 7nan?ier. He is carrying a lawyer* s bag.) 

Jarman (^shaking Jack's hand). Ah, my dear sir ! 
Whom am I to see first? {Sees Mrs. H.) Ah! Your 
mother! {Comes dow?i.) Mrs. Hildreth ! My deepest 
condolences ! But — client's sorrows — lawyer's joys, you 
know. {Turns to I^WYA-^.) And ? 

Mrs. H. a witness, Mr. Jarman. 

Jarman. Ah ! Very useful, I'm sure. Now to business. 
You wish a separation ? 

Mrs. H. {shaking her head). A divorce. 

Jarman. Um — ah ! Very good ! Very good ! 



74 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. (^poiniifig to line of furniture sadly). We are 
already separated. 

Jakman. Ah — yes — yes — most thoughtful of you. And 
now — what are the grounds ? 

Mrs. H. {a little brokenly'). He doesn't love me. 

Jarman. Yes ? 

Mrs. H. Well — isn't that enough? 

Jarman. Hardly. If it were, about two years would be 
the limit of married life. But perhaps incompatibility of 
temper 

Mrs. H. No. 

Jarman. Or cruel and barbarous treatment? 

Mrs. H. {doubtfully). N-no. 

Jakman. Then desertion ? 

Mrs. H. No. 

Jack. Mother, this has gone too far. 

Jakman. The law, young man, never goes too far. It 
seldom goes far enough. (^To Mks. H.) What is it, then ? 

Mrs. H. I — I — it's rather a delicate subject. 

{She stops embarrassed.) 

Jarman. Divorces generally are — or indelicate. Your 
husband has been um — careless ? 

Mrs. H. {jierving herself ). When my husband married 
me, he — he was in love with another. 

(Jerkin shows signs of fright.) 

Jarman. Nothing unusual. 

Mrs. H. She was an actress 

Jarman. Good ! Very good ! With yellow hair, I 
suppose ? 

Mrs. H. Did you know her? 

Jarman. I know the type. Continue, please. 

Mrs. H {brokenly). And for at least two years after we 
were married he — he continued to love her. 

Jarman. Yes ! 

Mrs. H. Then she died. 

Jarman. Most unfortunate. 

Mrs. H. What? 

Jarman. For the good of our case. You can substan- 
tiate this, I presume? 

Mrs. H. Mr. Jerkin, here, knew her well. 



THE JONAH 75 

(Jerkin starts.') 

Jarman. Ah, indeed ! Splendid ! 

Jerkin (^hurriedly). Mrs. Hildreih, I must ask you to 
let me go at once. My — er — old father is dying, and 

Jarman. Not so fast, Mr. Jerkin, (flakes note-book 
from pocket.) What was this lady's name? 

Jerkin (^bewildered). Lady? What lady? 

Jarman. The one we've been talking about, of course. 

Jerkin. Oh, that one ? You said lady. 

Jarman (^pencil in readiness). Well? 

Jerkin. Her name ? Let me see. I think they called 
her Helen. 

Jarman. You think ? 

Jerkin. Yes, I remember now — they called her Helly 
for short. 

Jarman (writing name). Helly what? 

Jerkin (^pettishly). Oh, Helly anything. Isn't that 
enough ? 

Jarman. You can prove everything that Mrs. Hildreth 
has told me ? Their — um — relations, and so forth ? 

Jerkin. Their relations ? 1 assure you she was an 
orphan 

Jarman (^angrily). You know what I mean. If you 
can, I'll make an appointment with you at my office laler. 

Jerkin {eagerly). Oh, yes — yes. I'll tell you anything 
you want to know. And now I'll be off. 

(^Moves toward door back.) 

Mrs. H. Wait ! (Jerkin stops.) We may need you 
again. 

(Jerkin comes back crestfallen.) 

Jarman. Is there more ? 

Mrs. H. The climax came this morning. It would 
seem that for some time past Mr. Hildreth has been — well, 
very friendly with a certain young person. I knew nothing 
whatever of it, until he brought her here several hours ago. 

Jarman (rubbing his hands together delightedly'). Ex- 
cellent ! Couldn't be better. 

Mrs. H. She is with him now. 

Jarman (opening note-book). Her name ? 

Mrs. H. Miss Buskin. 



76 THE JONAH 

Jack (starting angrily). Stop ! 

Jarman. That's the second time you've tried to inter- 
rupt. 

Jack. This thing must end at once. Miss Buskin is — 
well, if you must know it, she's my fiancee. 

Mrs. H. {collapsing). Jack ! 

Jack. And as for father, he never laid eyes on her until 
this morning. 

Mrs. H. (weakly). But I saw him 

Jack. You saw him kiss her — as a future father-in-law 
should. 

Mrs. H. (burying her face in her hands). Oh, dear! 
Oh, dear ! 

Jarman (sympathetically). All is not lost yet, Mrs. Hil- 
dreth. The — ah — former affair is not accounted for yet. 
We have still a wonderfully strong case. To continue 

Mrs. H. (risi?ig unsteadily). We'll — we'll talk matters 
over some other time, Mr. Jarman. (Staggers toward door 
L. 2. Jack runs to support her.) I — i feel a little indis- 
posed. I think I'll rest a bit. 

(Exeunt Mrs. H. and ]kck by door l. 2.) 

(During the foregoing disturbance Jerkin has slipped off by 
dobr L. 4. Jarman looks at door l. 2 for ati instant.) 

Jarman. Hm ! 

(He picks up his things, goes to door back. Exit by door 
back. Jerkin instantly appears at door l. 4, with his 
hat. He rushes wildly to door back. There is a knock 
on door back. Jerkin stops uncertainly, then goes back 
to door L. 4. Exit, fust as Hildreth efiters by door 
R. I. Knock 071 door back is repeated.) 

Hildreth. Ah, at last ! 

[Goes to door back and admits Jarman,) 

Jarman (shaking Hildreth' s hand as tliey come dow?i R.). 
Ah ! Mr. Hildreth ! I received your note. You wish to 
see me ? 

Hildreth. Yes. (Motions Jarman to a seat.) It's 
about my wife ; 1 

Jarman. You have had a falling out; she threatens you 
with divorce; and you want to defend the suit. 



THE JONAH 77 

HiLDKETH {astonished^. Why, yes — how did you 



Jarman {airily^. My profession, sir. A lawyer gener- 
ally knows more about his clients than they do themselves. 
I can also tell you that you are alleged to be — ah — sweet on 
a certain Miss Buskin and that the said Miss B. is in reality 
likely to become your daughter. 

HiLDRETH. You are marvelous ! 

Jarman. And I might finish by assuring you that you 
have a wonderfully strong case, and that Mrs. Hildreth 
hasn't a ghost of a show. 

(Jerkin's head appears at door l, 4.) 

Hildreth {relieved'). Thank heaven ! 

Jarman. On that point, I should add that there is, how- 
ever, some talk of a certain actress, one Helen, alias 
Helly 

(Jerkin begins to tiptoe toward door back.) 

Hildreth. Who told you that? Jerkin? 

Jarman. Yes. {Sees Jerkin.) Here he is now. {To 
Jerkin.) There's no hurry about your leaving, Mr. Jerkin. 
Your father's probably dead by now. 

(Jerkin stops sullenly.) 

Hildreth {rising ajigrily). You scoundrel ! I'd like 
to throttle you ! 

Jarman. Be calm, Mr. Hildreth ! The law 

Hildreth. Oh, hang the law ! If I hadn't been un- 
lucky enough to meet that scoundrel this thing wouldn't 
have happened. 

Jarman. Well, it has happened. Now to get out of it. 
[To Jerkin.) If you wouldn't mind stepping to this 
side 

Jerkin {co77iing around to R. side). If you want to see 
me about that woman 

Jarman. We do. 

Jerkin. Well, I'll admit I've been lying. 

Jarman. Which time ? 

Jerkin. To Mrs. Hildreth. I met Mr. Hildreth for the 
first time last ni2;ht, 

Hildreth. There, I told you. And I've never spoken 
to an actress in all my life. 



78 THE JONAH 

Jarman. Ah — um ! Very good ! For your side, of 
course, Mr. Hildreth. 

(^E liter Emily, by door r. 3, carrying oiie e?id of lunch table. 
She sees others ^ and stops, leavifig end sticking out from 
doorway?) 

Emily. Oh, I beg pardon ! I didn't know any one was 
here. 

Hildreth. It's all right, my dear. {To Jarman.) We 
had better continue this in a more private place. {Moves 
to door R. I.) We're safe in here. 

Jakman {following Hildreth). Very good ! {Notices 
that Jerkin lags behind.) You too, Mr. Jerkin. 

(Jerkin follows sullenly. Exeunt Hildreth, Jarman, 
and Jerkin by door r. i. Emily turns to table and lifts 
her end.) 

Emily. Hurry, Miranda, before any one else comes. 

{She begins to carry table into room. Miranda enters ^ 
carrying the other end.) 

Miranda. My ! But this is a 'eavy table for sich a 
light lunch, mum. 

Emily {resting her end near line of furnitttre, front). 
Rest it here a moment. 

{Goes to line of furniture, and takes out efiot/gh chairs to 
allow table to go.) 

Miranda. Wotcher doin', mum? 

Emily. Never mind. {Goes back to table and lifts end). 
Now, just a little more. {She carries tabic through space 
in line until half is one side, half o?i the other.) There ! 
That's enough ! Put those chairs at the places. 

{She puts two chairs at the places Oft her side, one at endj 
and the other facing audience.) 

Miranda. Yes'm. 

{She puts three chairs at her side, one at end and one on 

each side.) 

Emily {coming back to r. side). That's right. You may 
go, Miranda; we'll wait on ourselves. 



THE JONAH 79 

Miranda. Yes'ra. 

(^Exit Miranda by door R. 3.) 

(^Eiiter Arabella, still very angry, by door L, 2 ; she has 
her street clothes on, and her valise in her hand. She is 
followed by Jack.) 

Jack. Well, if you will go 

Arabella (angrily). Don't put on that injured air. It 
doesn't become you. I know when I'm not wanted. 

{She moves toiuard door back.') 

Jack (following her). Won't you say good-bye ? 
Arabella (jtieeringly). Good-bye ? Good heavens ! 
Bah! 

(^Exit by door back,) 

(Emily fneanwhile has taken a bell from table at backy and 
has come down.) 

Jack (seeing Emily as he comes down; laughing)^ 
Trouble number one disposed of. 

Emily (pointing to table). And trouble number two 
about to be disposed of. 

Jack (noticing table ; latigJmig). So that was your plan ? 

Emily. We must force them to talk to each other — 
literally force them. 

Jack. Emily, you're a brick ! 

Emily. I have told Natalie not to come in until later. 

i^Enter Hildreth (2;/^ Jarman by door r. i.) 

Hir,DRETH. Mr. Jarman, you must really stay to lunch. 

Jauman. Thanks, I think I 

Jack (seeing Jarman). Why, Jarman, what are you 
doing over there? 

Jarman (coif used). Why, I — I 

Jack (mischievously). Mother will be surprised ! 

Hildreth (to Jarman). You don't mean to say 

(^Turns to Jack.) He's my lawyer ! 

Jack. He's mother's, too. 

Hi[,DRETH (astonished). What? 

Jarman {edging to7vard door back). I see my services 
are no longer required. 



80 THE JONAH 

HiLDRETH. By me, do. 

Jack. And by mother, never. 

Jarman [his self-confidence restored'). Just as you say, 
gentlemen. I shall send my bills to both. {Bows.) Good- 
day. 

{Exit, c.) 

HiLDRETH (in astonished answer). Well ! {Sees lunch 
table.) Emily, what's the meaning of this? 
Emily. Do just what I tell you, father. 

{Enter Mrs. H. by door l. 2.) 

Mrs. H. {seeing lunch table). Jack, what's the meaning 
of this ? 

Jack. Don't ask me. (Draws out chair from end of 
table.) This is evidently your seat. 

(Mrs. H. sinks into it a little bewildered. Jack takes other 

chair.) 

Emily {to Hildreth). We might as well sit down. 

(HiLDRETH takes chair at end. Emily sits facing audience. ) 

Jack. What will you have, mother? {Looks at dish in 
front of Mrs. H.) Some cold ham? 

Mrs. H. {jivho has falleji back on a severe manner of re- 
serve). You know I abominate ham. Jack. Haven't we 
any roast beef? 

Emily (Jiolding plate to Hildreth). I'll take a slice of 
beef, father. 

(HiLDRETH helps her, then sits dejectedly toying with his 

bread. ) 

Jack {to Mrs. H.). I'm sorry, but the beef seems to be 
at the other end. 

(^He helps himself to the ham a fid begins to eat.) 

Mrs. H. {resig?iedly). Never mind; I'm not a bit 
hungry. 

{She dr all's herself up coldly, and toys with her bread. ) 

Emily. You're not eating anything, father. Oh, I for- 



THE JONAH 8 I 

got; you don't like cold beef, do you? (^Looks down ta- 
ble!) And niolher has the ham down there. 

HiLDRETH (Jiurriedly). It's all right, Emily. I'm — I'm 
not very hungry. 

Emily. But you must eat something. 

HiLDRETH {swallowing a piece of bread with an effort), 
I'm — plentifully supplied. Bread is so nutritious. 

(JFIe continues to gulp down the bread. ) 

Emily {to Jack). Please pass the mustard, Jack. 

HiLDRETH {shocked). Emily ! 

Jack {ha?iding tnustard to Emily). Here it is, Emily. 

Mks. H. {shocked). Jack ! Didn't I tell you you were 
not to speak to — to them ? 

Jack. Pooh ! One must be polite, even to one's own 
sister. 

HiLDRETH {stalled in his attempt to eat dry bread). I 
don't know what your idea in having lunch like this is, 
Emily, but if it's to starve your poor father, you're doing it 
rapidly. 

Emily. You don't understand. 

HiLDRETH. No, I can't say that I do. 

{He looks around at door r. 3.) 

Jack. You seem to be cut out of your lunch, mother. 
Mrs. H. {angrily). Hm ! Those two think they can 
keep me from eating, do they ? 

HiLDRETH ) (r<^/////^). Miranda! {They glare at each 
Mrs. H. ) other, then call again.) Miranda! 

(Jack and Emily look over at each other and smile. Enter 
Miranda by door r. 3.) 



Miranda. Was some one callin' ? 

HiLDRETH. 

Mrs. H. 



I Yes, I 



{Tliey stop and glare at each other again.) 

HiLDRETH {to Miranda). Attend to Mrs. Hildreth first. 
Mrs. H. 1 will wait until Mr. Hildreth is through with 
you. 

Miranda. Yes'm. 



82 THE JONAH 

(She stands motionless. A pause, during zvhich Emily and 
Jack continue to eat calmly.') 

Mrs. H. {angrily, to Miranda). Well ? 

HiLDRETH {to Miranda). Well ? 

Miranda {pettishly). 'Tain't my fault ! '0\v am I ter 
know wotcher wants if yer don't tell me? 

Emily {to Miranda). They don't want anything, Mi- 
randa. You may go. 

Miranda. Yes'm. {Starts r.) 

HiLDRETH. Wait ! 1 should like some ham. 

Mrs. H. And then you may get me some beef. 

Jack. We have them both here. You may go, Miranda. 

{He looks around at her and winks. ) 
Miranda {giggling). Wery good, sir. 
{Exit by door r. 3. Jerkin's head appears at door r. i.) 

HiLDRETH {resignedly). I must starve, I suppose. 

Mrs. H. This is beyond endurance ! Jack, what do 
you mean by ordering Miranda about in that manner? 

Jack {in feigned surprise). Why, mother ! 

Mrs. H. {working herself 7ip). You doubtless think it's 
very funny, hobnobbing with them, and all that ! {Sneer- 
ingly.) Well, since you are on speaking terms with your 
sister, you might ask her to pass the beef. 

Jack {in affected fright). But I — I don't dare to. 

Mrs. H. {^rising in a passion). Then I shall get it 
myself. 

(Jerkin's head is withdrazvn.) 

HiLDRETH {rising hastily). What — what is she going 
to do? 

Emily. I think she is coming over here. 

HiLDRETH {looking around affrighted). But — but 

{Both HiLDRETH ^;^//Mrs. H. make a violent rush toward 
end of line of fur7iiture at front. They co? front each 
other. ) 

Mrs. H. John Hildreth, you have no right to keep me 
from my lawful beef ! 

HiLDRETH. I want my ham. (Emily and Jack chuckle. 



THE JONAH 83 

Ente?' Jerkin by door r. i ; he rushes smftly to door back, 
luiiwticed by the others. As he reaches it, there is a sharp 
knock 071 it. He pauses despairingly^ then slips into alcove. 
HiLDRETHy<?//j" back.) Who can that be? 

Emily {rising ; to Jack). Mr. Buskin ! 

Jack {rising ; to Emily). The poHce ! 

Mrs. H. {who has also fallen back). Go to the door, 
Jack! 

{^Enter Miranda by door r. 3. She crosses to door back 
quickly a?id admits Buskin a?id Hawksley.) 

Jack {to Emily). It's all up ! 

(Buskin comes down quickly on left side^ followed jnore 
slowly by Hawksley.) 

Mrs. H. {to Buskin). What's the meaning of this, sir? 

{Enter Natalie by door r. 3. She stands looking on in 

amazement. ) 

Buskin {to Mrs. H.). I warn you not to hinder the 
law, madam. (T'*? Hawksley, /i?//^//;/^/^ Jack.) Officer, 
there's your man ! 

Hawksley [laying his ha7id on Jack's shoulder'). Now 
then, you'll come along quietly, I hope. 

Mrs. H. You have the wrong one ! {Points to Hil- 
dreth.) That's your man ! 

Buskin {testily). Madam, I 

Natalie {co mi fig down quickly). Wait! there's a mistake 
here. Father, you must withdraw your charge against Jack 
at once. He's absolutely innocent. 

Buskin {astonished). Natalie I You 

Natalie. I'll explain later. 

{She motions Hawksley to release Jack, which he does. 
Buskin takes chair from line of furniture and crosses to 
right side. Natalie and Buskin explain to each other 
aside.) 

Hawksley {to Mrs. H.). Shall I nab the old feller, 
mum ? 

Jack. Wait a moment ! There seems to be a blunder 
all around. {To Mrs. H.) What have you against father, 
anyway ? 



84 THE JONAH 

Mrs. H. {bewildered'). Why — why — that actress 

Jack. Oh, is that all? 

Mrs. H. {some temper returning). Isn't it enough? 
Jack. Yes ; if true. But, fortunately, it is not. 
Mrs. H. {astonished). What? 

Jack. Father met Jerkin for the first time last night. I 
was with them and will swear to it. 

(Jerkin's head appears at alcove.) 

Mrs. H. So— so 

Jack. So Jerkin is simply a liar, and father — well, you 
have known him longer than 1 have. 

{During this Emily and Hildreth Jiave been talking r. 
front. Mrs. H. turns to them appealingly, and co?fies 
over in front of line of furniture.) 

Mrs. H. {to Hildreth). Oh, John — John, can you for- 
give me ? 

Hildreth {taking her in his antis smilingly). Yes, 
Mary, if you'll promise never to do it again. 

Emily {to Miranda). Clear away the barricade, Mi- 
randa ! Peace has been declared ! 

(Emily and Miranda begin to break up line of furniture.) 

Jack {to Hawksley). Your services are no longer re- 
quired, officer. You may go. 

Hawksley {doubtfully). Well, my orders was to arrest 
some one, sir. 

Hildreth. Where's Jerkin ? 

(Jerkin comes from alcove, and makes a dash for door back.) 

Jack. Oh, yes! {Turns and sees Jerkin.) Ah, Mr. 
Jerkin ! Another relative dying? 

(Jerkin stops.) 

Hawksley {seeing Jerkin). Blarst my eyes ! Robin- 
son the swindler! {Goes over to Jerkin and grasps his 
arm. Jack follows him.) We've been a-lookin' for you, 
my fine jailbird ! 

Mrs. H. Jailbird ! Bless my soul ! 

Jerkin {his self-possession returning). My man, you've 
made some mistake, 



THE JONAH 85 

Hawksley. Haw ! Haw ! You was always a joker, 
Robinson ! (^Drags him, struggling^ to door back.) We'll 
just go an' tell that to the chief. 

Jerkin (/^ Hildreth). Good-bye, my old college chum. 
I guess I am a Jonah, all right. 

{^Exeunt Jerkin and Hawksley by door back. Natalie 
crosses over to Jack, who puts his arm about her.') 

Mrs. H. [to Hildueth). And to think that I believed 
that — that criminal ! 

Hildreth {s7itili?ig). Well, my dear, he imposed on 
me, too, the Jonah ! 

(Buskin and Emily have come down on the right. Mi- 
randa stands a little back o?i the right. Jack (^///-/Nata- 
lie come doivn on the left. Hildreth and Mrs. H. are 
in the centre.) 

Jack {to Mrs. H.). If you are through apologizing to 
father, we are ready for your congratulations. 

Mrs. H. {taking Natalie in her arms). Oh, my dear! 
I'm so glad ! And — and many happy returns of the day ! 

(JThe others laugh, Mrs. H. sees the joke, and joins in 

with them.) 



curtain 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
J-EWis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philips mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
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learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
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HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written, Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEIV HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
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uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
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A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
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15 cents. 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
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JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
Edward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jury, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
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Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
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many rich parts, and fast fun throughout. Price, 15 cents. 

THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR. A Comedy Sketch in One 
Act, by Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
may be all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that four persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simple street scene. Costumes, modern. The superintendent 
of a sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
machine. A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
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THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH. An Original 
Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modern. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OLD MAIDS' ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter- 1 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson. For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
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easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. Price, 25 cents. 

BARGAIN DAY AT BLOOMSTEIN'S. A Farcical 
Entertainment in One Act, by Edv/ard Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
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fun from start to finish. Price, 15 cents. 




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